“My Truth” behind not knowing…

November 12, 2010 I was rushed to ER late evening because I was having a seizure. Once getting to the hospital my blood pressure was 210/220 and I was going into stroke mode. As my blood tests were being rushed I learned I was pregnant, full term pregnant, I was suffering from preeclampsia and I was going into labor.  Preeclampsia caused by high blood pressure with pregnant women, in my case I needed to be rushed into surgery because the only way to get my blood pressure to stop rising was to get the placenta and baby as soon as possible or I wasn’t going to make it.

After having an ultrasound, the doctors learned I was 40 weeks pregnant and the baby passed away around 35 weeks.

The hospital I was at did not have labor and delivery so I had to be rushed to the nearest hospital that did; within 4 minutes of getting to the next hospital they did not need to do surgery because I delivered my baby stillborn. For 49 hours I was at high risk for a stroke. Clearly I pulled through.

After doing an Autopsy and testing the placenta, all the questions were answered. Why didn’t I know I was pregnant? How didn’t I know I was pregnant? Why didn’t I look pregnant? Is that really possible?

In my first trimester my body immediately started suffering from preeclampsia; which caused the pregnancy to be abnormal from the start. They can’t say why I didn’t look like the average pregnant person however it was apparent the baby was not sitting in the normal position. The placenta erupted within that first trimester and the baby was disconnected from the blood line. I was able to touch him, look at him and my mother held him.

Had a known I was pregnant or not, there was no way the baby would have made it.

I guess the issue I face now is; is it true what the doctor said? Could I have saved my son if I knew? The truth is, I’ll never know. Also, am I a mother? Yes I feel like I am.

The very second they said I was pregnant, I became a mother. Even though I never got the chance to look into his eyes, my eyes see him live a million times.

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I'm in my mid 20's just looking for a peaceful and humble mind frame.I attended Grambling State University with a Study in Criminal Justice.I'm a Single, Mixed, Hard working young lady. I suffered the lost of my son before he was born in November 2010. I'm not into too much "fun" since then, i've just been trying to find myself again, not blame myself and stay healthy.

  1. Its certainly a journey as we struggle with the questions and finding our own answers … our own way … there is no “right way” to grieve or go forward …

    Many here at Unspoken Grief can relate and understand in only the way an angel mommy can. Sending big (((hugs))) your way today and wishing you peace

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