My Struggle Has Intensified

I found out I was pregnant in June.

My boyfriend and I were thrilled — we had been trying for 4 months.

We went for our first ultrasound at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat, the doctor found movement in my one of my tubes.

I was scheduled for a D&C the next day along with other tests to determine exactly what they were seeing.  As it turned out, I had suffered a ” missed abortion” (which is the worst possible term).

The D&C was painful and a constant reminder for the next 3 weeks.

My boyfriend was so supportive through the process and I shut him out because I could not deal with his pain and mine.  Eventually, he could no longer take it and left.  We have remained in contact but I still have a difficult time with it and put a lot of pressure on him to fix it.

It is the elephant in the room when we talk.  It is never discussed.

I told him early on that I did not want to dwell on it and made it impossible for any to talk to me about it.  I told him I wanted to get pregnant right away, and he said he was not ready for that.  In truth, neither was I, but I was convinced that would fix the problem.

My struggle has intensified as it is the holidays and all I can think about is what was suppose to be.  I am surrounded by reminders and I am finding it more and more difficult to cope.  I am 40 years old and waited a long time to get pregnant, and now I am facing the reality that may have been my last chance.  I have pushed most people out of my life and left myself with very little support.  I would like to go back to my boyfriend and be able to share our experience together but I am afraid that is not really an option.

I have read some of the posts and found some comfort.

— Andrea

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