My Story of Loss(es)

My husband, Matt, & I have been trying since 2005 to have a baby. We went through 8 months of fertility treatments, with no luck. Finally, in June 2006, we found out we were expecting. Knowing how hard it was for us to get to this point, we decided to take it one day at a time & pray that everything would be okay. But, in Mid-July, we found out that I had miscarried. I’m finally able to put my feelings into words. This is my letter to our baby, that we never got a chance to meet. **I wrote this letter in March of 2007. Since then, we have had another miscarriage. This one happened in February of 2008. I was 7 weeks along and started bleeding. We went to the doctor, who told us it was too early to tell if it was a viable pregnancy or not. I miscarried at home that night. It’s been almost 5 years since our first loss & 3 years since our second. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of those babies & wonder what our life would be like today if they had survived. But, I have hope that one day, I will be called “Mom.”

Here’s my story in a letter to my baby:

My Precious Baby,

Your dad & I found out that we were pregnant with you on June 6th, 2006.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t really expecting a positive result. We’d been trying for more than 2 years & each month, I’d wait, hoping this would be THE MONTH. But, it never happened.

Why would this month be any different?

I was almost 2 weeks late, when I finally asked your dad to stop by the store on the way home, to buy a test. But, when he got home, I didn’t take the test right away. We ate dinner & I did a couple loads of laundry. Finally, around 9pm, I decided I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I needed to know.

I went into my bathroom & took the test. I looked away for 30 seconds, to turn the TV on & when I looked back down at the test, it said “PREGNANT”.

I was so surprised. I couldn’t move. I had to put my hands on the bathroom counter to steady myself. Then, I thought to myself, “We have to go tell your daddy!”.

With the test in my hand & tears in my eyes, I walked into the living room to show your dad. I didn’t say a word. I just handed him the test.

He looked at it, then at me & asked, “Omigod! Are you kidding me? We’re pregnant? You’re going to have a baby?”

To make sure this was for real, we made a quick trip back to the store & bought another test.

Same result.

You were on your way.


Over the next few days, I had several blood tests, to make sure my body was doing what it was supposed to do. Your dad & I felt so relieved every time the nurse at our doctor’s office called to say my hormone levels were going up & that we were, in fact, going to be your Mommy & Daddy.

The first person I told about you was your Aunt Holly, my sister. I waited until we got the results back on my first blood test that confirmed I was pregnant. Slowly, but surely, we told our parents, your daddy’s sister & a few other family members. We also told a handful of people at work, but soon, we couldn’t hold the good news in any longer & told pretty much everyone.

Your dad & I went on a roller coaster ride of emotions. We were excited, thankful, scared, worried, terrified & so, so happy all at the same time. One minute, we’d think to ourselves, we can do this — we can be parents. Then, the next minute, we’d wonder what in the world we were thinking — WE’RE GOING TO BE PARENTS? We don’t know how to be parents.

From the moment I knew I was pregnant with you, I made some big changes. I threw out my Diet Cokes & switched to water. I started eating healthier & exercising more. I started thinking about our budget & how to rework it so that we could start saving more money for you. I got on the Internet & searched for baby furniture & crib bedding. I even sent links to your dad, so he could check it all out! I could already imagine you lying in your crib, in your nursery, decorated just right. I couldn’t wait for you to arrive.

I loved knowing you were inside of me. That your dad & I had created something we had wanted for so long. Even though you were barely the size of a pea, I loved you as if I’d known you forever. I talked to you a lot, especially at night. Your daddy talked to you too. When I would tell him goodnight, he’d rub my belly & tell you goodnight & that he loved you. We couldn’t wait to watch my belly grow, knowing that you were getting bigger & developing.

During our first ultrasound in June, we saw you & your little heart beating. The doctor gave us a picture of you, that I brought to work with me & showed everyone. I put it in a frame on my desk. I was so proud to show you off. That’s my baby!

It was during our second ultrasound, when we found out something was wrong. You weren’t growing. The doctor measured you & you were the same size you were in our first ultrasound 2 weeks before. He tried to find your heartbeat, but couldn’t. That moment was the most devastating moment in my life. One I hope I never have to experience again. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t cry. It was like I was paralyzed. The doctor told us you weren’t going to survive. He started running down the list of things that needed to happen next. I didn’t hear a word he said. I was in total shock that one minute, you were alive & the next minute, we’d lost you.

Your daddy & I went home & called our parents. Then, we just sat together & cried. We cried for us & for you, the baby we’d never get to know. The pain of losing you was just about unbearable. I couldn’t understand why something like this would happen. I’d only known you for a short time, but I felt like I’d lost someone that I’d known for a lifetime. You were our baby.

Over the next few weeks, after we found out we’d lost you, your daddy was so sweet. He did everything & anything to make me feel better. He’s the only one I wanted to be with. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, except for him. I couldn’t be more than one room away from him or I’d go crazy. He was my strength. He still is. He has to be.

I will never get over the pain of losing you, no matter how much time goes by or how many babies your daddy & I have in the future. I will always think of you as my first baby. I know I never got the chance to feel you move or to watch you grow, but that doesn’t mean I loved you any less.

You will always be my little angel.

I love you,
Your Mom

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