My Story | “I Had A Gut Feeling”

I had a miscarriage in November 2011 and lately I have been feeling really terrible and I am ready to talk about it and try to get some help from other people that have been through it as well.

As hard as it is for me to open up and talk about it I think it will help more if I did and I also want to try to help anyone that needs it.  So I am going to share my story about how I found out I was pregnant and  miscarried my baby.

My baby was conceived on September and the night it was conceived I sort of knew it, I just had this gut feeling that I got pregnant and I spent that month trying to convince myself I wasn’t because I was only 19 and not ready to have a baby.

Then on October 18th I had a doctor’s appointment for a checkup and I thought I had to know sooner or later so why not now? I took a pregnancy test at the doctor’s office and it came back positive. I was pretty upset for 3 days but right after that I fell in love with my baby, the love I felt for it was indescribable and it became the best thing in my life.  Right then I started planning our future and how I would raise my child.

I had my first doctor’s appointment on October 23rd and everything looked fine except after a checkup my doctor told me that my uterus was pushed to the right side of my stomach.  She scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound to make sure nothing was wrong, she told me there was mostly likely nothing wrong and I was just born that way. Still I felt my heart drop and I couldn’t sleep for a couple days.

Then on November 27th which was the day of my ultrasound came everything turned out to be normal and a couple days later on the 30th I found out I was 5 weeks and 6 days and my due date was June 30th 2012. I was very happy, I couldn’t remember ever being that happy but it was also scary at the same time.

On November  2nd  I was 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant when I started having dark brown discharge so I went to the hospital and they did a pelvic exam and checked to see if my cervix was closed and it was.  I wanted to make sure everything was okay so I had a  transvaginal ultrasound and they were able to locate a heartbeat.  I was so relieved when I heard it, but still had that gut feeling my baby wasn’t ok, so I stayed up that whole night crying.

The next day the discharge started to disappear and I got happy and felt a little  better. On November 4th I started bleeding, it wasn’t heavy bleeding just light but I got so scared I started shaking so hard.  I went to my room and got a paper out with the number for the midwives, but I could not see it from how hard I was shaking so I put the phone and the paper down and took a deep breath to try to calm down.

When I did I called the midwives that saw me at my first appointment and explained what was happening and what I was feeling and she said in these exact words “this is a miscarriage” the four words I was praying she wouldn’t say.  I then went to the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried for hours.

I bled lightly for about 11 days then the yolk sack with the baby came down and it was supposed to be 2 months old the day it came down.  I kept telling myself it was just a bad dream I would soon wake up from and since then I been really depressed and I thought after my due date passes I would feel a little better about it.

Now I am just counting how old my baby is supposed to be today and its easy cause today is June 25th and my baby is supposed to be 25 days old. I am trying to let go but having a really hard time doing it.

I became suicidal after and tried taking my life at one time but failed. I feel guilty all the time like it is my fault and I feel like everyone around me is sick of me and I have my days where I just want to disappear.

I wish there was a way I could undo what happened cause it changed me so much. I haven’t been doing that good in school anymore and I spend most of my days alone sitting in a dark room just listening to sad music. I used to be really adventurous but since then I haven’t been into doing anything. I am afraid I will never be as happy as I once was and I feel like I have no right to feel sad over my baby because what happened was my fault. I know I could have prevented this from happening by not getting pregnant at all and just being careful but I didn’t care. :’(

{Editor note: please familiarize yourself with the signs of clinical depression.}

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happppppppy

I am a 20 year old girl from Washington state

4 Comments
  1. My heart breaks for you. It never gets easier, no words can make it stop hurting, knowing your alone seems like an empty consolation- these days will be tough but let yourself grieve. I am at my 8 month mark for my 5 months in the womb “miracle baby” ( I was told infertility and too old, im now 37) and I still think of Drake my son every day but as each day passes with less bitterness and sadness. You must follow YOUR heart and YOUR desires and allow yourself this time. Breath, meditate, eat that burger or 3 and have a beer- yell and scream and cry. It is not your fault, you did not do this to your baby- talk to someone, get it all out, do research, whatever you need in these coming months. But know this, the darkness cannot swallow you unless you allow it to- your young and strong- battle it out girl and prove to the world you are no quitter! We will all be by your side when you do- we are all warriors in our own right. *HUG*

  2. hi there.. i know exactly how you feel for the age of 17 till 26 i had around 15-20 miscarrages and no on knew what was wrong… my story is on here if u want to read it i now have a angel in heaven who was 32 weeks along a healthy 2 yr old and im currently 13 weeks pregnant.. i have whats called anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome and when i am pregnant i have to give myself shots of Heparin 2 times a day but its worth the end result.. dont ever give up!!!

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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