My Grief Is Real Too. Acknowledge It.

Grief will hit us all at some point in our life.  Fact of life really.  If you have emotions and people around you eventually the time will come that you will grieve for someone.  Heck, it doesn’t even need to be someone.  There are support groups set up for people who grieve divorce, job loss, pets and more.

Grief is shit.

Why do people and organizations and society feel the need to organize our grief into neat little categories and then put them in order of importance?

I am a survivor of miscarriage. I had a baby growing inside me and 8 weeks later that baby was gone. Miscarriage.  BABY.  Why is it that there is little to NO support for that? For me? My loss? My grief?

I don’t want this to come out the wrong way because I am so glad there are resources and support groups set up for this but why is it that hospitals, communities, charities and online communities always leave us out when it comes to grief?  There is support for women who have been through stillbirth and neonatal loss and the death of a child but WHY is my child not considered important enough for grief?  It was just a miscarriage.  Just some blood and clots.

That is bullshit.

People understand the grieving mother who lost their child due to stillbirth or neonatal death. People comfort and surround that mother with love and understanding.  Why am I different? Why am I supposed to just pretend that it wasn’t a big deal or like nothing happened?

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6 Comments
  1. That is so true!! There were NO resources for me at all. A hospital “counsellor” told me that I didn’t lose a child and so family bereavement groups weren’t suitable for me. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. There was no help for me through my work’s EAP, through community groups, or medical centres. My family also felt that is was “just” a miscarriage. The only support I received was from the online community. The loss of a child should be recognized, yet I wasn’t even entitled to Bereavement Leave from work. Does this mean that I loved my baby any less than someone who delivered their baby later? Certainly not! Does it mean that I didn’t have hopes and dreams for my child? No. Then why is my pain and sorrow devalued?

  2. I totally agree with you ladies… I delivered my child stillborn, and was treated like anyone who lost there grandparent… Flowers delivered, food brought over…cards sent. It was automatic…as word spread. It was a comfort… but I know had we lost our daughter earlier..we would have been on our own. I loved my child the instant I knew she was there… there is an instant connection… There needs to be awareness that women (and their parteners) need support from the DAY they are pregnant… even before… we need support during the process… it can be equally devastating to not be able to get pregnant.. and to have that dream of a healthy child be unfulfilled!!! It needs to change!

  3. The blogosphere, a gift to us all … that there are so many who will listen to your voice.
    People who have been there
    People who understand.
    People who nod as they read your post.
    People who shed a tear because they have shared your pain.

    The real world.
    That world doesn’t understand.
    Take solace here, this haven created.
    You can cry here, we will shed tears with you.
    We will hold your hand.
    We will hold your heart …

  4. I was so shell shocked by the lack of support or even acknowledgement after my first loss, I choose not to share my second and third loss with my parents. I was in enough pain, alone in my grief, that the brokenness that would resonate through my heart from lack of support was too much to bare.

    Such a sad place to be.

    For me, now, I must tell my story. A story of heartache, pain, grief and depression. If I can throw the switch on to these subjects, perhaps one woman will need to sit in darkness with their pain.

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About Unspoken Grief

Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

Disclaimer

Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.