My Friend Is Pregnant & I’m Not Anymore

A difficult part of the grief left over after a miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal loss is triggers in every day life that you can not avoid so easily. One of them being women who are pregnant – & can be especially difficult when a close friend or family member is pregnant and you are no longer.  Can cause a variety of conflicting emotions.  It can be a bittersweet time & confusing.

Be honest with yourself.
Acknowledge that this is hard for you. Give yourself the time and space to grieve your loss. & figure out that you can do both — you can grieve your loss and be happy for your friend.  It does not have to be one or the other.

Be honest with your friend.
Let them know this is hard for you.  Don’t let it be a ‘pink elephant’ in the room & talk about what you are feeling & talk about their pregnancy.  Let them know if you need some space for a while.  While i was grieving the loss of Triton a good friend of mine was pregnant for the first time.  We were due about 2 weeks apart and when I lost Triton it was hard. devastating.  My friend was amazing. I told her i needed a bit of space and she gave it to me without holding it against me or taking it personally. I was incredibly happy for her & would call to chat but I just could not (at that time) see her growing stomach.

Track Your Feelings.
If you are having a particularly rough day emotionally – be kind to yourself and minimize or avoid your triggers.  Watch that you are not pulling back completely and exhibiting any signs of depression.

Find Someone.
Talking to someone who has experienced something similar to your loss is so beneficial. If your friend has never experienced this grief – confide in some one (or a community) who has.  Talk about your conflicting emotions,  your triggers and gain insight on how to be supportive of your friend and taking care of you at the same time.

Share your tips. What worked or didn’t work for you?

About the author: Devan McGuinness

is the founder of the online resource Unspoken Grief , which is dedicated to breaking the silence of perinatal grief for those directly and indirectly affected by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Using her own experience of surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan has been actively supporting and encouraging others who are wading through the challenges associated with perinatal and neonatal loss.

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15 comments… add one

  • This happened to me…today.

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  • This describes what I’ve been going through. I miscarried twins over three years ago now, and my best friend just had hers 2 weeks ago. I am so happy for her and her beautiful girls but it still hurts so much.

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  • I lost my little girl in July this year and 6 weeks later my sister gave birth to her healthy daughter…it both warmed and broke my heart at the same time… she was devastated too and didnt want to upset me any more than i already was. So i sent her a message telling her that i was overjoyed for her, but just so so sad for myself at the same time, because i wasnt going to be able to bring home my precious daughter too. x

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  • Last year a co-worker and I were pregnant within days of one another. When I gave birth to my son at 20 weeks, it was so hard to see her belly getting larger and larger while I mourned the loss of my son. Now, nearly a year later, she has a son of her own, in her arms, while I carry on with empty arms. I didn’t hate her for it…but it was hard to go to work every day and see that reminder.

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  • I am 30yrs old and 28 wks pregnant with our 5th child. My best friend (we are VERY close, sister close) just recently lost her baby at 7wks. She is 40yrs old and has 3 children and has been trying for another for quite some time. I was devastated when she lost the baby because I knew how horribly sad she was. I have never experienced a miscarriage so I can’t share that pain with her. We have spoken about it every step of the way and do still talk with some frequency, but I have not actually seen her since everything happened. I feel like she is avoiding having to see me. I know this is probably normal, but she was like my twin and to not have her around is just such an unnatural feeling. She was supposed to be the Godmother to our daughter who is due in June and I’m not sure how to broach the subject. We have another mutual friend who is pregnant and having a shower that she has said will probably be too painful to attend. I sense she feels the same way with me and my baby but have no idea what to do about it. Should I let the Godmother subject go? Do I bring any of this up? I don’t want to be selfish, I would gladly give her time away from me, if only she would be honest and tell me that that’s what she needed me to do. Just that right now she’s saying one thing and doing another. So confused, just want to do the right thing.

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  • This happened to me with my first pregnancy. I was pregnant at the same time as a close cousin’s girlfriend. We were both due within a month of each other. After I lost my baby, I was so devastated and so very uncomfortable when she came around because I kept thinking “that’s supposed to be me”. I did, however, have the honor of naming her daughter and I smile with thoughts of my child everytime I see her.

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  • I am going through the same thing right now as well. It is so hard to hear her talk about her dr, appointments and hearing the baby’s heartbeat when I don’t get to hear mine. I am so unbelievably happy for her, but also left with feeling how unfair this is. How we were suppose to be pregnant together. It’s such a hard emotion to deal with, the happiness and bitterness all in one!

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  • A good friend of ours found out she was pregnant two days before I found out that I was. Three weeks later, I miscarried. We had already told some people, our two daughters knew too. I found out I had lost the baby at 8am and by 11am that same day I was being prepped for surgery because they thought it was a twin pregnancy with one miscarried and the other ectopic. It was the worst day of my life. A few months later we got another positive pregnancy test and I was feeling so pregnant and was no worried at all. When I went to get an ultrasound there was some concern. I went in the following day for another US, with irregular results and was referred to a specialist to confirm that it was a molar pregnancy. I was so dumbfounded… I FELT pregnant… I was nausous, my boobs were huge, my abdomin looked pregnant, but I was not. After reading up on Molar pregnancy, I was sure that I would need ot get a DNC right away, but no such luck, I had to wait over a week for it. I have been getting weekly blood draws to monitor my HCG levels, and everything seems fine, but I am still worried that it will spike up again and I have to go into treatment or be really really sick. I cannot try to have more kids for at least a year. What kills me is when my 3yo asks me if there is a baby in my belly yet because she wants to be a big sister. I do not know if I could even bare to attempt to conceive again. I am so devastated. What is worse…the friend that was pregnant the same time as me the first time, had a healthy baby boy who I get to see once in a while. I try to be happpy for them, but I really just deep down was to cry every time that I hold him. When I see people who are pregnant and clearly should not ever have kids, or people who have kids and dont take care of them, I want to cry and scream that it is not fair. I hurt every day, but hold it in because i have 2 healthy children to stay strong for.

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  • my sister is pregnant and will have her baby 2 months before i would’ve had mine. a friend is due the same day that i would’ve been. TODAY my sister-in-law told me that she’s pregnant. my other friend had her baby TODAY. i want to be happy for them, but i’ve got all these conflicting emotions.

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  • I have just recently suffered my 4th miscarriage and it never gets any easier especially since it seems like all my friends either have kids or are pregnant. I try and hide from it all the pain is still so raw that I don’t know how to deal with there happiness and my depression, some people told me at least i lost my baby early on but i hate herring that because no matter what stage my pregnancy is i still loved my baby and I still do and always will. My friend is currently planning her wedding and her second child and i haven’t even had a chance to have my first and get to feel the amazing feeling to hold my baby In my arms. one day i will get my chance i can’t give up. No one should give up!

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  • A friend of mine got pregnant just a couple of weeks before I did. She’s been very kind since my miscarriage and has avoided speaking about her pregnancy directly to me as much as possible. But, yesterday, I logged onto facebook and the first post I saw in my feed was hers – announcing she found out she was having a boy. I was immediately struck with a terrible sadness, being reminded that this would have been about the time I would have found out if I was having a boy or a girl myself. But, I will never know… Also, my sister-in-law is due soon and I know I’m going to have to go see her and her baby boy when the time comes, and the thought of it is killing me. My mother-in-law was upset enough when I didn’t go to the baby shower. Even though she knew I’d just had the d&c two weeks before, she thought I should have been able to turn off my feelings long enough to go to the baby-themed party. After that turmoil, there’s no getting out of this one. I will have to go, give my congratulations, and plaster on a smile, though I’ll be crying inside…. Of course, I wish the best for everyone, but no one who hasn’t gone through this can truly understand how much it tears you apart.

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  • I miscarried my first pregnancy about a month ago. It was a blighted ovum. When the doctor saw no embryo and should have, we decided to wait two more weeks and do another ultrasound, just to be sure. After one week of waiting, a close friend told me she was pregnant, and I was so excited! But my husband and I decided to wait to tell them about our pregnancy until we were sure it had worked out. When I found out at that second appointment that I had a blighted ovum and would miscarry, I was devastatd, but carried on.
    I never told my friend that I was pregnant, but she is a very good friend and is someone that I wish I could count on for support right now. I want so badly to tell her about my miscarriage – but at the same time, I don’t want her to feel bad about talking to me about her own pregnancy. I am so happy for her and WANT to hear about her pregnancy, and I don’t want her to be uncomfortable around me. I don’t know if I should tell her about my miscarriage or not.

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  • on Sunday I was encourage to come to a event. my friends encouraged me and I guess I thought that meant they would sorry me. th ree pregnant and one newborn. and what do they decide to talk about first? complaining about pregnancy. I left.

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  • I think I’m mostly past the grief/sad stage and into the angry/grief stage- I just stay pissed off anymore :( Especially when we see the news of all these women killing their children or babies being thrown away…its too bad adoption is so expensive; we were going to adopt until we found out at 35 we were considered “old” for adoptive parents in many states..also because I’m overweight (by 70 lbs) that is a mark against us and I am pre-diabetic. I’m losing the weight but my PCOS is what is causing me to be insulin resistant, thus pre-diabetic; not much I can do there. Oh and because my husband had a stroke at age 30 due to a surgery we were eventually completely denied. So full of hate about the whole child thing anymore- there is no winning for me.

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  • This is a wonderfully written and necessary post. Thank you so much for sharing. I promoted it on my FB page and twitter. It’s great for women on *both sides* of the coin to read it.

    {miscarriage survivor 3.15.13}
    ::exhales::

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