My Baby Josiah

I was only 4 weeks along when I found out that I was pregnant.

The very next day, I began bleeding and cramping heavy. Blood tests determined that I was no longer pregnant.

I thought it would be a little difficult. All the statistics say that his heart wasn’t even beating. That he wasn’t even a baby.

It was a chemical pregnancy. It happens all the time.

I don’t know how to grieve. My brain says I shouldn’t be sad. I feel guilty for grieving for a child that I didn’t know. I feel guilty that I am grieving, when I have 4 other healthy children. I am a foster parent. I barely knew I was pregnant.

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to grieve for someone I didn’t know.

I swear, I thought I could handle this. I thought I was stronger than this.

I call him Josiah. I don’t know why. That isn’t a name my husband and I had decided on. It’s just the name that came to my head when I think about him.
I don’t call him a chemical pregnancy.

I call him my baby. I know I will see him again. But, I do wonder when the pain will ease.

— Jessica

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