My Angel Baby

I wanted to write this post a few days ago. March 29th to be exact. Why?

Well, March 29th 2009 was the day my Angel ascended to heaven. A week later her sister Sol was conceived. I believed they met/ crossed paths during the transition. I’m actually pretty sure she sent Sol to me. I never blogged about her. I rarely talk about her. She was only in my life for a short period of time, I was only about 6-8weeks pregnant and I hadn’t even had my first prenatal visit. I used to refer to her as the baby I lost or my miscarriage. I’ve been in denial and never really acknowledged or communicated the impact her ascension had on me. I kept it all bottled up inside. Partly, because Sol was conceived so near to her ascension that I didn’t want to think about it, I pushed it to the back of my mind, so that I wouldn’t spend my entire pregnancy in fear of losing another baby. But today I realized I didn’t lose her, I didn’t miscarry her. She’s still mine. God just wasn’t ready to part with her, he had other plans for her, and if he had not those plans, I wouldn’t have my BeautifulSol.

The 2 year anniversary of her ascension made me miss her a lot.  I decided I wanted to tell her story.

February 23rd 2009, I awoke feeling horrible. In fact, I hadn’t felt good that whole weekend. I went to a get together at my BFF’s house on Sunday and I laid in the bed the whole time. I told her I thought I was pregnant but wasn’t sure. The pain I was feeling was a naseousness and dizziness, coupled with a burning sensation in my tummy everytime I ate or drank anything. On that Monday morning, as I was driving to work, I had some serious cramps, I thought maybe my cycle was coming down, but I had just had one a few weeks before, so I wasn’t sure. I didn’t make it to work, I ended up driving myself to the ER.

During that ER visit, my life changed. I was told the most beautiful news ever, in the most hideous way ever. I was behind the curtain, and the doctors were pressing in my stomach and asking millions of questions, like they do. Then came in about 4 or 5 nurses asking if I had taken any medication, and when? The more questions they asked the more I began to sense what they were getting at. But no one came out and told me. E, was at work, and I texted him and planted the seed that I may be preggers. We decided not to jump to any conclusions, until I knew for sure. Well, seconds later, while the doctor was behind the curtain with me, a nurse barely stopped, peeked her head in and yelled POSITIVE in the most obnoxiously harsh way ever. The doctor then called for an “OB to go” and then just said, congratulations, you’re pregnant in the most monotone voice ever, she made the clear eyes guy sound exciting. No one should ever have to find out they are expecting in such a cold way.

I’m pregnant? I didn’t want to find out like that… I froze, if I was pregnant was something wrong, why was I feeling like this? They sent me to OB and I sat around forever waiting on the on call doctor to visit me. All he did was ask was this a desired pregnancy, press on my stomach, say I have ulcers, prescribe me medicine for them, and tell me to make an appointment for prenatal care.

That’s it? really? I called E, and told him the news, then went home wrote a letter to my unborn child and slept.

That night E brought me flowers, and we ate a beautiful dinner. We were expecting, we were scared shitless, but we were at peace.

Well, the first appointment I could get to see a midwife was a whole month later. The medicine for the ulcers made the burning go away, but boy was I nauseous, I decided to stop taking it, until I could ask if it was safe and what the risks were to the baby.

I never made it to my first appointment, My angel baby ascended on March 29th, 2009, my appointment was for March 31st. I did write her a few more letters, of which I recently lost when my computer crashed. I read them to her as I wrote them, so I didn’t really need them anymore, besides reading them over made me sad.

The day she ascended was a normal Sunday, I cleaned. I got some horrible cramps, and I knew something was wrong. I decided to just try and lay down. The cramps got stronger and I felt like I had to use the bathroom. I went, and I was scared to wipe, because I knew something was wrong… I didn’t want to look down. But when I did I saw spotting, it was minor, so I told E, and he said to lay down, and if it didn’t stop we would call the midwives, and then make our way to ER. I only laid down for about 5minutes, and I felt another urge to use the bathroom, when I sat down, I felt a gush. We headed to ER. I knew what was happening but I was hopeful.

They sat me in OB triage for what seemed like hours, b/c there were a lot of births that night. The midwife on call was swamped, so I said it was ok for the OB to see me. He came in and did a Pelvic exam, I was still in pain mind you, he rushed through it, b/c he had a mother who was nearing 10 centimeters. And with the bloody hands, and tools in my view he asked if this was a desired pregnancy. He left when I said yes. He came back about 20min later and said they were waiting for my hormone levels, b/c if they were too low there was no need for an ultrasound. He then came back as said my hormone levels were so low, the pregnancy test they performed was negative. My baby was making her way home. I asked if there was anything they could do, he said no. Just to go home and get some rest.

I just wanted to get out of there. As soon as we got to the car we prayed for her and cried. I called my mommy/mentor and she took us to get some food. 8 days later, the first day of no bleeding. Sol was conceived April 6th or 10th, the only 2 days we had intercourse before he went out of town for work for 2 weeks. That second week, I felt pregnant, I was uber tired all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. A week later I took a test and it was positive. I know she sent Sol to me. I am pretty confident they met and played together. I believe, this is why Sol has such a huge personality and is so full of love and hugs and kisses. My angel baby passed some on to her share with us.

I am comforted b/c I know I didn’t lose her, I didn’t miscarry her. She ascended. She is love, and she is loved.

I tell her story with peace.

 

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6 Comments
  1. HUGS to you. Your story makes me remember so much about my pregnancy, and the birth of my twins. In many ways I believe that when my Maelie passed at 10 1/2 months, she told her sisser (as Aislyn says now) to love mommy and daddy extra much, and be as wonderful of a child as possible.
    I had twin girls, early with complications to long to list right now. When Maelie died I had finally thought we were out of the woods. I was wrong and she went so quickly that much of our family believe that she was the intended guide for my husbands grandmother, whom we had just visited b/c of her impending passing, who died almost 24 hours after Maelie.
    Its been a hard few years, but shareing my story with others has been helping me and I’m sure you shareing has helped you as well. Hugs to you for all your serenity and bravery and to your Little Sol, such a beautiful little sun you must have. I bet she lights up your life just like the sun in the sky lights our world.
    HUGS

  2. Thank you for telling the story of you little angel. She will always look down on your family and guide you through the good times and the bad. It is great that we have a web site like this so we can honour their memories xxx

  3. I just cant believe how similar my story is to yours i am a 19 years old and i have a beautiful fiancée last week on the 9 of April i discovered i was pregnant but weeks before that i just knew i was expecting n i had never felt on such a high after the confirmation of the test i opened a bank account for my baby i started writing a diary of how i was feeling and what was happening in my life and thinking i will give this to my child so they know what mummy experienced carrying them i was planning everything it was the only time in my life that i have felt truly happy and positive about the future. On the 13 of this month i noticed a little spotting i ignored it as the two more days past i noticed more and more i became very worried and told my mother she informed me to visit my gp but instead i went to the the local walk in centre in my head i knew because the aching pain and bloated feeling had gone. i felt empty and on a low the nurse checked me over then did the test the words he said was sorry your not pregnant my heart dropped i really tried to hold back the tears because i had been trying to prepare myself for the worst anyway but i felt useless like it was some how my fault like maybe GOD doesn’t think i deserve a child all these thought keep coming through my mind will i ever be blessed with another child. My fiancée says to me of course we will but right now i feel like i don’t want another child i want my first one i know i really have to move on but it has been one of the hardest times of my life on the 17th of this month my sister rang me up informing me she is pregnant i am happy for her but i do think it was a bit insensitive of her she should not of told me so soon after the loss of my own baby i was in flood of tears as i was remembering the time i find out i was exspecting.i am goin to find it so hard watching her belly grow and her pregnancy develope i know every time i see her i am going to think that should be me with the belly and holding my baby aswell and watching her child grow is going to make me think about my own.i am a bit unsure whether to have a child i suppose i am a scared of this happening again.

    1. I myself am 19 & i have a wonderfull fiancée as well i found out on april the 22 that i was prego. i took a home pg test and it was a dark + i think at that moment i had never felt as wonderfull as i did in that moment. a week later i notice a little pink blood when i wiped. not much just a little spots. i wait for him to get off of work and we went to the ER my pg hormone was 110. they sent me home i went and went to my ob 2 days later and my hormone has went down to 26. i didnt understand what went wrong.

  4. thank you all for your heartfelt comments. Loss is something I wish no mother had to experience.

    There is hope for healing and that healing is a journey and on my journey I have come across some amazing women with similiar stories of resiliency and Hope, that’s what keeps me going.

    Share your story you never know whose life it will touch.

    Much love to you and ur families and for those with angel babies, I know they are loving us and watching over us, in love and peace.

  5. I couldn’t read and run. It was heartwarming to read your story, and to help to understand the feelings I have about my “losses”. I find the language used when talking about miscarriage, still birth ect confusing. I too don’t feel that I lost my babies. I miscarried poppet in 2008 at 8 weeks (we named her much later, when i actually acknowledged the important part that she plays in our family). Finley was still born at full term, after becoming distrssed in labour and dying during the emergency cesarean. I now have alittle girl who is 7 months, I know that if I had had Finley I probably would not have met twinkle. I feel that Poppet, Finley and Twinkle are all equal parts of my life, they all have their space in my family and inspire me. Finley has shown me, truly shown me that there is much to life that is not totally explainable, and that nothing is truly ever lost. He existed before he was conceieved, during pregnancy, after his birth and simultaneous death and now in the same way. I feel him, I know he is there, and I am still learning his gifts.

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