I wanted to write this post a few days ago. March 29th to be exact. Why?
Well, March 29th 2009 was the day my Angel ascended to heaven. A week later her sister Sol was conceived. I believed they met/ crossed paths during the transition. I’m actually pretty sure she sent Sol to me. I never blogged about her. I rarely talk about her. She was only in my life for a short period of time, I was only about 6-8weeks pregnant and I hadn’t even had my first prenatal visit. I used to refer to her as the baby I lost or my miscarriage. I’ve been in denial and never really acknowledged or communicated the impact her ascension had on me. I kept it all bottled up inside. Partly, because Sol was conceived so near to her ascension that I didn’t want to think about it, I pushed it to the back of my mind, so that I wouldn’t spend my entire pregnancy in fear of losing another baby. But today I realized I didn’t lose her, I didn’t miscarry her. She’s still mine. God just wasn’t ready to part with her, he had other plans for her, and if he had not those plans, I wouldn’t have my BeautifulSol.
The 2 year anniversary of her ascension made me miss her a lot. I decided I wanted to tell her story.
February 23rd 2009, I awoke feeling horrible. In fact, I hadn’t felt good that whole weekend. I went to a get together at my BFF’s house on Sunday and I laid in the bed the whole time. I told her I thought I was pregnant but wasn’t sure. The pain I was feeling was a naseousness and dizziness, coupled with a burning sensation in my tummy everytime I ate or drank anything. On that Monday morning, as I was driving to work, I had some serious cramps, I thought maybe my cycle was coming down, but I had just had one a few weeks before, so I wasn’t sure. I didn’t make it to work, I ended up driving myself to the ER.
During that ER visit, my life changed. I was told the most beautiful news ever, in the most hideous way ever. I was behind the curtain, and the doctors were pressing in my stomach and asking millions of questions, like they do. Then came in about 4 or 5 nurses asking if I had taken any medication, and when? The more questions they asked the more I began to sense what they were getting at. But no one came out and told me. E, was at work, and I texted him and planted the seed that I may be preggers. We decided not to jump to any conclusions, until I knew for sure. Well, seconds later, while the doctor was behind the curtain with me, a nurse barely stopped, peeked her head in and yelled POSITIVE in the most obnoxiously harsh way ever. The doctor then called for an “OB to go” and then just said, congratulations, you’re pregnant in the most monotone voice ever, she made the clear eyes guy sound exciting. No one should ever have to find out they are expecting in such a cold way.
I’m pregnant? I didn’t want to find out like that… I froze, if I was pregnant was something wrong, why was I feeling like this? They sent me to OB and I sat around forever waiting on the on call doctor to visit me. All he did was ask was this a desired pregnancy, press on my stomach, say I have ulcers, prescribe me medicine for them, and tell me to make an appointment for prenatal care.
That’s it? really? I called E, and told him the news, then went home wrote a letter to my unborn child and slept.
That night E brought me flowers, and we ate a beautiful dinner. We were expecting, we were scared shitless, but we were at peace.
Well, the first appointment I could get to see a midwife was a whole month later. The medicine for the ulcers made the burning go away, but boy was I nauseous, I decided to stop taking it, until I could ask if it was safe and what the risks were to the baby.
I never made it to my first appointment, My angel baby ascended on March 29th, 2009, my appointment was for March 31st. I did write her a few more letters, of which I recently lost when my computer crashed. I read them to her as I wrote them, so I didn’t really need them anymore, besides reading them over made me sad.
The day she ascended was a normal Sunday, I cleaned. I got some horrible cramps, and I knew something was wrong. I decided to just try and lay down. The cramps got stronger and I felt like I had to use the bathroom. I went, and I was scared to wipe, because I knew something was wrong… I didn’t want to look down. But when I did I saw spotting, it was minor, so I told E, and he said to lay down, and if it didn’t stop we would call the midwives, and then make our way to ER. I only laid down for about 5minutes, and I felt another urge to use the bathroom, when I sat down, I felt a gush. We headed to ER. I knew what was happening but I was hopeful.
They sat me in OB triage for what seemed like hours, b/c there were a lot of births that night. The midwife on call was swamped, so I said it was ok for the OB to see me. He came in and did a Pelvic exam, I was still in pain mind you, he rushed through it, b/c he had a mother who was nearing 10 centimeters. And with the bloody hands, and tools in my view he asked if this was a desired pregnancy. He left when I said yes. He came back about 20min later and said they were waiting for my hormone levels, b/c if they were too low there was no need for an ultrasound. He then came back as said my hormone levels were so low, the pregnancy test they performed was negative. My baby was making her way home. I asked if there was anything they could do, he said no. Just to go home and get some rest.
I just wanted to get out of there. As soon as we got to the car we prayed for her and cried. I called my mommy/mentor and she took us to get some food. 8 days later, the first day of no bleeding. Sol was conceived April 6th or 10th, the only 2 days we had intercourse before he went out of town for work for 2 weeks. That second week, I felt pregnant, I was uber tired all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. A week later I took a test and it was positive. I know she sent Sol to me. I am pretty confident they met and played together. I believe, this is why Sol has such a huge personality and is so full of love and hugs and kisses. My angel baby passed some on to her share with us.
I am comforted b/c I know I didn’t lose her, I didn’t miscarry her. She ascended. She is love, and she is loved.
I tell her story with peace.