Thank you for this place. A place I can share my grief and heal.
I am 34 years old, and I have been pregnant 6 times. On my one year wedding anniversary I had my first miscarriage. Honestly, I didn’t know what was happening — it happened so fast and without medical intervention and I got pregnant immediately after so there was no time to grieve or even comprehend what was happening. I was going to my OB and getting ultrasounds trying to determine “how far along” I was with my second when I miscarried again. I was at least 8 weeks. This time I needed emergency medical attention as I was hemorrhaging. The doctors performed testing on my baby and told me I had a son.
I was devestated.
My doctors started running all the normal tests and everything came back good. I had no tell tale signs of anything that would cause me to miscarry. I was just going to schedule the appointment for the xray of my uterus test (sorry the name escapes me) and I found out I was pregnant again. By the grace of God, I gave birth to my daughter who is now 8 years old.
Once B was almost 2 we decided to try again. This time everything seemed “easy”. I got pregnant with my son and had little complications if any with his pregnancy. It wasn’t until he was born that he stopped breathing. I was beside myself. Thankfully, the doctors knew what was going on and helped him to breathe on his own. Honestly, from the time was son was born until he was almost 4 I did not want to ever conceive again, but then something changed in my heart and the desire was there. So in Dec 2009 I had my IUD taken out.
Since then I have been dealing with the roller coaster called secondary infertility. It’s been a long hard, lonely road. A road that I’ve had to share with my children.
To make a long story short, after trying for a almost a year to get pregnant I had another miscarriage on my 10 year wedding anniversary. Oh, to be brought back to that place again was hard! As time passed, my husband and I tried again. The months of waiting, and getting a period were brutal! Why isn’t it “easy” this time? I’ve done it before. What is wrong with me?
Finally, last Aug we were pregnant again. This time I didn’t test right away. I just knew. One month went by, no period, two months went by, no period. Finally I test and I get a positive. Then I figure out the dates by checking charts and I am at least 10 weeks, if not 11. I am in the clear, at least I’ve made it farther than I ever had with a child before miscarriage.
So I tell my husband, and my children. I go to the OB. I won’t let them do an internal. Let’s just do the regular checking. Everything looks good. I go for an internal ultrasound the following week. I am feeling pregnant. I am so excited. And then at the appointment the doctor says the words that I have heard so many times before “are you sure you aren’t as far along, there is no heartbeat.”
Oh my word. I know what I am facing. I lost my baby on the day after my 11th wedding anniversary. I chose to stay at home. It was a long hard loss. I needed pain killers to get through my body’s rejection of my baby. The bleeding after the miscarriage lasted for 3 months. It was a long hard battle.
So now here I am. I finally stopped with the physical and I am left with the emotional. It is a painful long road. One that I need to overcome.
And I am thankful to share my story here. And I dedicate my healing to my four babies in Heaven – Alex, Jona, Ziggy and Hope