My first pregnancy was unplanned, but oh so exciting, to say the least. I was still working and living life as I had previous to this. The kid I worked with, in his home, kicked me in the stomach at work one day. The next day I started to bleed… It was a loss. A horrible hard loss.
I had to quit my job as I could not look at that child anymore without being angry.
Six months later, I found out I was pregnant again. I stopped working and took absolute care of myself. It was amazing the first time I heard my baby cry. I have never had such a heart fluttering moment in my life! I still adore him more than anything on this Earth, and he knows it. Approximately 6-8 months later, I was pregnant again! YEAH! I wanted lots of kids, and I wanted them close together as my sister and I are 7 years apart.
I lost that one too, but had my son to care for. I didn’t even go in for this one. I had a baby to raise.
Miscarriages 3-10 happened sporadically over the next 7 years. I lost one on Christmas, one on my birthday, one on my sons birthday, and some others that I have just forgotten the details of. I had a job, a husband, and a child to care for. I had no time to grieve, nor was I able to process this. Our insurance did not cover much of the testing needed, and being in a small town we just don’t have the resources available.
On pregnancy #11, I got connected with an OB specialist from the next small town over. He started me on daily aspirin, in case it was blood clotting, but I did not have Factor V, nor do I have a family history of blood disorders. I lost that one as well. He had it tested, and there were no obvious abnormalities.
We were at a loss.
I decided that I was no longer going to try. I can’t mentally handle the loss, physically I am getting older and not in the shape I was in before, and I had just plain started to give up.
Well, Labor Day weekend of 2012, my husband, who works all over the country, came home. I woke up on September 3rd and I knew… I AM PREGNANT again. I contacted the specialist, started the aspirin regiment, and kept it to myself. I told my husband the beginning of October, after a stick test confirmed and 2 OB appointments later.
We have refrained from telling others as it is much easier to keep it to ourselves than it is to explain another loss to our families. That is the hardest part for me as I feel I have let my husband, our families and anyone else that knows, down.
I am almost 12 weeks at this point. We have decided to spread the joyous news once I enter the 2nd trimester as the chances get lower for any problems. I never knew there was support out there and I have not really discussed this with anyone. My husband knows about all of my losses, my mom and sister also. I still have a hard time talking with them about it as I do not want sympathy, and I do not want advice. I just need to feel loved and supported.
I feel like less of a woman as I can not do this thing, that comes so naturally for so many. I also feel very angry at the world. Why can women who do not want children have them so easily? Why can women who are only going to hurt children have them so readily? That makes me very angry and has started to affect my everyday life.
I guess my search for support led me here for a reason. I just needed to get it out, I think.