Lost and Confused

Lost + Confused

Hey, I am in the process of recovering from an ectopic pregnancy. They took out my right tube, I was 12 weeks along. I went through the surgery okay and I had been staying with my parents for the first few days, but now that I am at  home with my husband again, I feel empty, confused, sad, all of these emotions and for so many different reasons.

Sometimes it’s because I feel guilty for losing the baby, other times it’s due to wanting his attention all the time. I am so lost here. I was doing okay when I was at home with my mom because she understands what I am going through, but when I came home, I just started feeling all these things and I do not know what to do or if all theses feelings are normal. I think to myself that it just happened, but a part of me is angry because it did. I do not know how to handle this and my husband is trying his hardest to help me but sometimes he just makes it worse.

It was Mother’s Day when I took the test and saw those two pink lines I ran in and woke up my husband with joy because we had been trying. He ran and told everyone after I told him not to until the 3rd month. Well, we waited a few weeks before we went to the doctor.

I had started feeling bad for a few weeks after the first visit so I went on bed rest and one evening I felt like something was wrong so I got up out of bed and I felt something run down my leg. I went to the bathroom and it was blood. I had started bleeding really bad so I called my husband and he rushed home from work and took me to the ER. The doctor did all kinds of tests and then she said she needed to do an ultrasound. As the lady was doing the ultrasound, I asked her if she saw it because most would point it out on the screen, but she didn’t she just said “the doctors will read it and get back with you.” Right then I knew that something was not right. I looked at my husband and told him the baby wasn’t going to make it. He asked me how I knew and I told him I just did. They admitted me in and decided to wait a week because they thought it was twins.

We were so happy that it was twins because it’s due in our families for twins so everyone was celebrating picking out names and stuff. Well, I just kept feeling worse everyday. So it was time for the next appointment, this one was to see if it was going to be okay or not. My hCG levels came back at 12 hundred so the doctor said it was time to go in with the camera and see what was going on. In surgery he found they were in my tubes. Not — one but both so they had to remove the tube on my right side.

And that’s how I got here. My husband doesn’t want to talk to me about it because he says he is okay with it, but I am not dealing with it as well as he is.

Photo credit: adapted from Yuki Yaginuma | Flickr

— Amy Noe

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