Life Isn’t Fair

I never knew I’d love being a mother as much as I do. My husband & I have a healthy 7 year old. We had been trying since his 1st birthday to have another baby. I didn’t worry about trying too much because we got pregnant with our son in a month, so it seemed like maybe it was just taking longer.

Finally, after years go by I decide to talk to a fertility specialist. After all kinds of tests, we decided to do IUI fertility treatments. The first 2 were unsuccessful. The 3rd time the nurse said, “you are definitely getting pregnant today“. We were so excited. Could this really be it? Only a few weeks later, we were let down again with a negative pregnancy test. I was so upset. I gave up & told my husband I couldn’t continue to go through this roller coaster of emotions. We decided to stop all treatments.

The VERY next month I ended up getting pregnant. With no help. We were in shock. It took 6 years to get pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. We were so excited. So excited, that we couldn’t keep the news to ourselves. It was still rather early, but after my check up we decided we were going to tell our families. My 1st pregnancy was so easy & problem free that we thought it would be fine. We first told my son, who took a few minutes to get excited. We then told our families and they all cried. Knowing what we had been through to get this far.

The day after we told our families, I started spotting. Immediately I knew it was a problem, but everyone kept assuring me this happens. I would continue to call the doctors office and after the 3rd call they told me to come in & have an ultrasound just to make myself feel better because I was probably fine. I went in & thankfully my husband could go along. The technician kept assuring me this happens & as long as it wasn’t heavy or bright red we should be fine. She asked how far along I was and I told her 8 weeks. “Huh….you’re only measuring 6 weeks” , she said. Again, she said this could be they had the dates wrong, but the heart rate was rather slow. She said this could also be because they were far off on the dates & the heart is just now starting to beat. She had no answers for me, except that it could either be I was beginning to miscarry or they were off on how far along I was. She told me I had to go home to wait and see. I lost it right there. The technician was hugging me and trying to console me. She asked me if I wanted a picture. I said yes, but couldn’t look at it. Still to this day can’t look at it. Go home….to wait and see what’s going to happen.

I was a complete wreck for days, but I knew deep down what was happening. They weren’t off on my dates. I knew the dates were right. In trying to get pregnant, you know your cycles like clockwork. I didn’t leave the couch for days until my next appointment. They told me to come back to get measured and see what was happening. I went back to the doctors. Of course, they have you sit in the waiting room with all these pregnant women who are healthy and excited and you are sitting there trying not to lose your mind because you know what is happening and there is no way to stop it!

I finally went back & she told me she will tell me as soon as she knew. Sure enough after only a few minutes, she said there was no heartbeat. I lost it again and the technician walked me to another room where my husband and I could wait for the doctor to come in. We waited for over 30 minutes in this room. We have all been to the doctor and you’ve had to wait for your routine appointment because there was an emergency. This was one of those emergencies!!!! Why were they not pushing off a routine exam for me? I was furious and so was my husband. He really was ready to go out and flip out on someone. The nurse came in to apologize, but since we weren’t a “scheduled appointment” it threw them off. Oh, I’m sorry! This wasn’t really on my schedule either! Finally, the doctor came in and said……wait for it……..”Any questions?”. Really?!, I thought…..any questions? Why are you such a jerk would be my first question, but, instead I asked what to expect. He said bleeding like a heavy period and it’s up to me if I want a D&C. I had no idea so I just decided to go home.

No one tells you what to expect. The hardest part was telling my 6 year old son, who didn’t understand. He cried and I couldn’t make it better. No one tells you what the next few days are going to entail. I guess I was naive, but I really thought I’d just bleed. Words can’t even explain what you go through next. The emotional and physical pain is unbearable! I can’t believe I was sent home with no medication for the pain. I also should have been on something for my mental state. Not only that you then get avoided by people that supposedly love and care about you, but because they don’t know what to say they don’t check on you or call you. There you are alone. Trying to get through this.No one understands what you are going through. They just avoid you or make hurtful comments like, “life goes on” or “at least you have one.”

I feel like I was in a real life horror movie. Pain that is unbearable….emotionally, physically, loneliness. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Even trying to stay grounded in my faith was a struggle. If there is a God – why would he answer my prayers only to take them away? It seemed so cruel. Then not even a month after my miscarriage, I found out my sister in law was pregnant. And, my best friend who hadn’t been trying to get pregnant and wasn’t in the best relationship, found out she was pregnant the day of my miscarriage. How ironic is that? It seems when you’re going through this struggle everyone is pregnant and I just became more and more angry. I’ve had to go to counseling to get to a better place.

I wish I could end this with some encouraging words for anyone going through this. It has now been over a year since my miscarriage. My due date has come and gone. The one thing people told me that I did find true was you will never get over it. It’s always there. I try not to think too much about what could have been because it will take me to a dark place that I can’t go back to. If you are going through this, know that you’re not alone. That someone out there knows what you are going through and sympathizes. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling and you will need time.

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