Learning to Love Without Limits

Learning to Love Without Limits: a story about miscarriage

My fiance and I had been trying for about six months and were ecstatic to discover we were expecting! I scheduled my first OB appointments and made sure I remembered my prenatal pills every night. At around 4.5 weeks, I bled after sex and had some cramping so I went to the ER and the blood tests showed that my betas were low, but within normal range so I was sent home with instructions to schedule a follow up.

My midwife scheduled some beta hCGs and I got a call around 5 weeks telling me the numbers weren’t doubling properly, but not to worry too much (NOT WORRY? YEAH RIGHT)! I bled again after sex so, again, I went to the ER with the results being the worst news ever. They told me I would likely miscarry, but they couldn’t tell me when.

I was in shock…devastated, but held on to a tiny shred of hope.

Over the next few weeks I had to hold myself together for my kids — it was the holiday season so I tried to make the most of it, but I was dying inside, literally.

Christmas morning came and as I watched the delight in my children’s eyes I was able to get my mind off of the impending doom (I had started bleeding). I went to celebrate with family and held back the tears as I opened gifts for the first time with my fiance’s family — they’re an amazing group! I love his mom dearly and I just wanted to take her aside and get some comfort, but I knew it’d be selfish to ruin everybody’s holiday.

I bled up until New Years Eve when I had my actual miscarriage (about 9 weeks). I had nothing to celebrate. I called his mom and shared the bad news (we hadn’t told her I was pregnant). I was so devastated: I couldn’t eat, I barely slept, I just cried and talked to God for the first time in, well, years.

I asked why this happened and questioned if he was real, why he would let something so horrible happen. The days passed so slowly, the tears seemed to never end, but talking to others who had this happen seemed to help.

8 months have passed and I’m finally able to talk about it without getting weepy, but although it hasn’t gone far from my mind, it’s truly time that has helped.

We haven’t been successful in conceiving yet, and I’m almost afraid to get pregnant again — I don’t know how I’d be able to go through this ordeal if it happened again. If I’ve learned anything, it’s to love without limits and to be thankful for the blessings that I do have and to never go a day without kissing my sweet babies as they sleep. <3

— CayenneKitty

Photo credit: adapted from *_Abhi_*| Flickr

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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