On April 7th, my fiance and I found out that we had lost our baby.
I was 23 weeks and 2 days along with my 3rd pregnancy and hadn’t felt any movement at all, so we headed into labor and delivery to be hooked up to the monitor for fetal heart tones. The nurse assisting us put the monitor around my belly and moved it around a bit trying to pick up baby’s heartbeat and was only picking mine up so she went and got the ultrasound machine.
She kindly told us she was not an ultrasound technician, but she knew what to look for. She then starts the ultrasound and after a few minutes of not seeing anything she tells us she is going to call the doctor on call (we had never met this doctor) my heart instantly sinks and I begin to cry. The nurse reassures me there is no need to panic yet.
The doctor comes in and begins the ultrasound again as he is moving the wand I thought I felt movement so I said “I think I felt a little movement!” The doctor doesn’t reply back, he just continues doing all these measurements not telling us why or what was going on. After about 10-15 minutes he looks at me and very dryly says, ” this pregnancy was not successful” and walks out of the room.
I start frantically sobbing as all my fears came true — telling the nurse I do not want to have a dead baby. My fiance asked the nurse if she and the doctor were sure our baby had passed away, in utter shock. After making calls to our parents giving them the heart wrenching news, the doctor came back in to tell me my options to deliver my baby.
“I start frantically sobbing as all my fears came true.”
I had the option to carry our baby for 2 more weeks and have another c-section or do a slow induction. He also explained to us that even though I was 23 weeks along, our baby was only measuring at 17 weeks and that he/she had stopped growing somewhere between my last ultrasound at 19 weeks, which revealed I had complete placenta previa, and now. He said due to baby being so tiny, I could do a very slow induction without tearing the incisions on my uterus from my 2 previous c-section. I chose to do the induction because carrying my baby like that was not an option for me!
While waiting for a room, I told my fiance I did not want to see the baby, hold the baby, know what the baby was or anything, I just wanted it out of me. The doctor came back in and asked what we wanted to do with the baby — we both had no clue, so we waited to think about it. We decided we would bury our baby, so I would have a place to go for comfort. After all the poking and IVs getting started and some sleep, reality started setting in.
I decided I wanted to see my baby hold it and know the sex — my fiance did not feel the same. After 5 days of being induced and nothing happening, I got to go home for the weekend. At first I didn’t want to come home, but missed my other 2 kids, so I went home. My kids knew that our baby went to heaven and would not be coming home, but were worried about me, so seeing them was very comforting.
I went back in Tuesday, April 15th to continue the induction. I was so relieved to hear my doctor was the on-call doctor that week. After seeing that induction was taking forever, he consulted with doctors from Peoria about speeding up the process. That Wednesday night, after he put in these sticks to push my cervix open, I started having contractions.
Once I was dilated to a 1, he inserted a balloon catheter to dilate my cervix to a 5. I was in labor for about 4 hours and delivered my angel at 12:02 am April17th.
I had a baby girl who we named Adalia (Ada-leah) Rose Wade. She weighed 5.7 ounces and was 8 and 3/4 inches long and the most precious angel I had ever held!
I’m forever glad I changed my mind and held her because I still feel as though I didn’t get a good enough goodbye! Although we didn’t get a chance to know her or ever hear her cry — laying our baby to rest was the hardest thing we have ever had to do.
Photo credit: adapted from paalia | Flickr