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is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .
As I sit hear reading the stories of other women who have suffered losses, tears are rolling down my cheeks. This is the first place I have ever found for this type of support. None of my friends or family have suffered the way I have, so they really have no clue how hard this truly is.
At the age of 21 I became pregnant for the first time. Let me just tell you, he was my miracle child! While 24 weeks pregnant with him I was involved in a very serious car accident. Luckily, we were both fine. Other than lots of bruises from head to toe, I was fine. The paramedics said that it was because I was wearing my seat belt correctly. 3 weeks later I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs and broke my tail bone….he was still fine! I gave birth to a healthy 8lb 2oz baby boy. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. That would soon change.
9 months later I was pregnant again. We weren’t planning on having another child so soon, but we both wanted several children so we were excited at the news. Sadly, at 15 weeks we lost our baby. Our marriage began to struggle because neither of us could come to terms with what had happened. It just didn’t seem real to us. 1 year later we were pregnant again. We were hoping that this would be the glue to put our family back together. However, at 13 weeks we lost that precious baby as well. I felt as if he was blaming me for our losses. Shortly after our marriage completely crumbled and we divorced.
I bounced from relationship to relationship after that. I never felt like I was worthy to be with any man if I couldn’t bare his children. 2 more pregnancies came and left and I felt like the hole inside of me was going to engulf me. I was lost. I had my son that I loved with my whole heart, but I also yearned for the ones that I had lost.
5 years ago I met that man who actually completes me. He is my strength and my rock. Without him I don’t know where my life would have ended up. We were head over heals in love. After 8 months, I was pregnant. I thought that this was going to be the one. I have all the symptoms that I had with my son and they were in full force. But tragedy struck me again at 17 weeks pregnant. I wished I could just crawl into a hole and die. I just couldn’t understand why this kept happening. The doctors had no explanation for me. But this time I had that support that I needed. He was by my side and reassured me that he loved me and he loved our angel. 1 year later we were pregnant again. I was scared to death of what would happen, and it did. At 12 weeks I lost my 6th baby. I decided to give up and just be happy with the one that I had. He, however was not so quick to let me give up. 14 months later….I was pregnant again. I was scared. I cried for days worrying if it would happen again. He supported me and was by my side. As the 3rd month approached I was just waiting for the bleeding to start….but it never did. After 6 losses, I am now the mother of a Beautiful Little Girl. My children were born 13 years apart. It was a long long uphill battle but I am so glad I didn’t give up. My children are the light of my life. I still mourn the ones I lost. I know when all of there birthdays would have been, and I sometime imagine what they would have looked like and what their personality would have been. I see them in my dreams sometimes….4 girls, 2 boys. I never knew the sex of any of the babies that I lost, but this is how they always appear to me. I know one day I will be with them again.
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