June Baby (Our Story, Part 1)

I had hoped to have a relaxing summer, playing with my son, enjoying time with my husband, and getting some things done at home. Instead… this is what happened:

May 24th
Today was the last day of the 2011-2012 school year. I enjoyed my second graders so much this year, but man, I was ready to be done for the summer. I said my goodbyes and got ready for a FABULOUS summer with my family.

May 25th
I have a book and a paper to do PRIOR to the start of my graduate class. YIPPEE!

May 31-June 1st
My first two day class of the year. I went to a BIST review with two girls from school. We got a ton of ideas, had lunch together both days, and really had a great time! It was a great use of my days.

June 4th
Today marks the start of week one of two very intensive weeks of graduate school. My morning class is about teaching mathematics and the afternoon class is college level math work involving fractions, algebra, and geometry. I arrive on campus at 7:45am each morning and stay until about 7pm each night. Yes, that is almost 12 hours of class each day. Plus, another 2 hours of homework or so when I get home. But, it only lasts for 2 weeks! Then the rest of the summer can be spent playing games, going to the park, visiting the zoo, and seeing all there is to see!

June 9th
My morning starts off with a positive pregnancy test! A new baby? Why yes! That would be fabulous! Dates showed the baby would be due on February 14th, perfect time for school, far enough from my son’s birthday, and a good season for my husband to take some extra time off at work! I was elated. Nervous. But elated! It was exactly what we had planned!

June 11th
This morning was the start of my second week of class. I had a terrible time not running in to tell my friends of the news! Concentration became more and more difficult throughout the week. Thinking of that tiny little baby growing inside me was quite a distraction from my math… but yes, I pushed through and focused on class until 5pm on Friday. But, there were still two final projects to finish over the next several weeks. No biggie.

June 16th
A high school friend of mine got married today. I played piano for her ceremony and my husband played bass. No, I hadn’t really had time to practice for the last two weeks while doing 14 hours of math everyday. But, it went well. I had to pass on the party and alcohol… after all, I was pregnant.

June 18th A.M.
I finally had the time to call the doctor’s office and let them know I am pregnant! I talked to Nurse Deb. She congratulated me, asked how things were going, and set up an appointment for me in July. I’m not sure why, but I felt much better, knowing that the office knew.

June 18th P.M.
I started spotting tonight. I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t heavy. It wasn’t bright red blood. I wasn’t terribly concerned.

June 19th
But, when the spotting continued this morning, I got worried. I called the doctor’s office at 8:10am, usually a terrible time to get a hold of anyone at the office. I told the receptionist what was going on and she immediately got a nurse for me. Nurse Mary took my call right then-the receptionist didn’t even have her call me back. She said if something had happened, there was no reversing it at this point. There was not much need to come in because there wasn’t anything they could do to stop it and it just might be a fluke. HOWEVER, if it would make me feel better, I could come in and have some blood work done. I opted for that choice. I went in that afternoon for some blood work. Hopefully the results would be in before 5, when the staff started leaving for the day. But, unfortunately I did not get called that night.

June 20th A.M.
My blood work came back this morning. It was great! My HcG levels were 21,000!!!!!! Mary had prepped me for the possibility of 2000—which is way low. So, I was happy to hear that number. But, I was still spotting. So, the doctor said SHE would feel better getting an ultrasound to see what was going on.  Nurse Mary set it up and notified me that I was placed on “hold and call”–which she told me upfront that if they kept me, it was NOT good news. If they said I could go on my merry way, then everything would be fine.

June 20th P.M.
I went to a meeting from 12:30-2:30pm and then headed off to the hospital for my ultrasound. I watched the first half, but being only 6 weeks along, I knew there wouldn’t be much to see. For the second half, I couldn’t see the screen—but my husband could. He just kept looking at me with these, “I can’t tell what’s going on!” look. So, I was still hopeful things were okay. The ultrasound tech finished up, looked at me, trying to hide a tear in her eye, and said I would need to wait. Yep. This was “the hold” that Mary warned me about. “The hold” I didn’t want to happen. I had tried to mentally prepare myself for it- knowing that something just wasn’t the same as it had been with Braydon. But no amount of preparation can keep the emotional pain away. It hurt a lot. I shed a lot of tears those first few nights.

Deb then called us at the hospital to tell us the official news. There was a sac measuring 6 weeks that was still growing. And there was a fertilized egg, but it had stopped developing. Deb told me that my doctor would call after hours at home to visit with me.

June 20th Later P.M.
The doctor called after her appointments. She reaffirmed what had been said earlier. She said I could wait up to 30 days to try and let things “happen.” She had no guess as to when it would “get bad.” It would be gradual– so I should have a little warning and enough time to make arrangements to stay home to let “nature do its thing.” I felt good knowing that she took time after her long day to call and visit with me. She did not expect a response at that moment, and I could call the office or after-hours line if I needed anything. But, at the 30 day mark, I would need to resort to meds or surgery to push things along.

June 21st
I’ve absorbed the information now, researched a ton, I understand what it means, and I make the decision to try and wait it out. But now my major dilemma is “what do I do about the family reunion that we are scheduled to leave for TOMORROW!?!?!” Five hours in a car there, days at a lake in 100+ degree heat, uncomfortable beds, and five hours home did NOT sound appealing at that moment.

I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, which would make conversations awkward with family that I haven’t seen for years. I may start bleeding heavily at any moment (or maybe I won’t), and I’m just torn. My mom now knows everything, and says that whatever we decide to do will be supported. The choice is ours. My husband and I talk about it and opt to leave for the reunion as planned unless something physically changes over night.

June 22nd A.M.
Yet another meeting this morning. I sit through a 2 ½ hour meeting at school, trying to focus on our discussion, but really I’m thinking about the baby, the reunion, and the uncertainty of life. I pick my son up from daycare and head for home to finish packing. My husband comes home…. And we hit the trail to the family reunion!

June 22nd P.M.-June 24th P.M.
After 4 hours of travel or so, we meet my brothers and sister-in-laws for supper before we had out to the lake. Physically, the weekend was okay. Nothing major happened with that. Emotionally, it was hard. People asked when I was planning to have another baby, there were discussions about babies, nurseries, etc. The words stung, a constant reminder that I would never get to hold this baby in my arms.

June 25th
So, a week has now passed since I started spotting. I had told myself I would wait till the end of the June to see what happened, but it got to be too much. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I called the doctor’s office and asked if I could have a D&C. Nurse Mary was awesome. She took care of everything. She talked to my doctor, arranged it with an OB in town, since my doc is a GP. The OB’s office scheduled things with the surgery center. And by the time they called me back about 2 hours later, everything was set for the next morning!

June 26th
4:45am. Today it isn’t Braydon waking us up, it’s the alarm clock. Time for surgery. Mom met us at home to stay with my son and we were off. Check in was 5:15, procedure at 6:15am.  The nurses were SO KIND! They were super nice about everything. They were making jokes with me about things. And, they understood about my needle-phobia, and difficultly swallowing pills. They gave me some sleepy medicine in my room, then wheeled me back to the OR. By the time I got there, I told them I was falling asleep. I moved from one bed to the other and I was OUT. Nurse Renee, Anesthesiologist Alan, and Dr. Gregory took good care of me. A little before 7, I was woke up with two people running towards me, yelling “no!” I was trying to sit up! It was kind of funny. They laid me back down. It was like parents running towards their child who is about to do something they shouldn’t! Made me chuckle a little.

I immediately asked for a drink. But Nurse Peg said I had to wait until I was more awake. So, I had a random conversation with her instead. She looked me funny, being so alert and in such a weird state. But, I found out there are 4 operating rooms and there would be 22 surgeries there today. Once I was pretty “with it” she pushed me back to a private space where I sat in a recliner to finish waking. My husband came back with me. He said the doctor told him everything went great.

The scariest part of the day was having this “carbonation-like” feeling in my arms. It was literally like carbonated water was running through my veins! It was right after surgery and it bugged me a lot. I mentioned it to the nurses and the anesthesiologist who came to check in on me, but no one seemed that concerned about it. So, I literally “shook it off” every few minutes until it went away. After some water, a little walking, and another short nap, I was released.

Mom was still here when we got home (about 9am) and she had already taken my son to daycare. She had already cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen! And, she stayed and kept me company for a while. After she left, I drank some juice, had some toast, and rested for the rest of the day. My throat was very sore from the sedation, so my husband got me some frozen yogurt that afternoon. He has basically waited on me hand and foot! He made me lunch, brought me popsicles, adjusted pillows, brought me drinks, and medicine! I’m very blessed to have such a caring, considerate husband. He got me a cheeseburger from Dairy Queen for supper, as that is the only thing that sounded appetizing.

It was a long day, but I made it through just fine. I am very pleased with my decision to go ahead with the D&C. It was relatively physically painless… and got it over with quick. I thank all the doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs, receptionists, and everyone else who has helped me the last couple weeks. And, most of all, my husband. I couldn’t have gotten through it without you! I love you.

July 21st
It’s been almost a month since my D&C. My summer has not gone as planned. July has been better by far than what June was. And, there are some interesting things that have come out of all of this… tune into future posts for that information.

In the meantime, my husband has already added to my Willow Tree Collection. The name of my new statue is “Guardian.” The day we found out I’d lost the baby, I told my best friend, “God is lucky to have a new baby in heaven today.” I thought this would be the prefect addition to my collection. A new guardian looking down on us.

June Baby didn’t get to spend any time exploring life on Earth, and spent very little time in the womb, but, we know that we’ll meet him or her in Heaven someday! The Baby is still loved and adored by all of us, and will never be forgotten!

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