It’s Not OK

We lost our first baby last Friday.

I was 10 weeks and we went in for our 3rd ultrasound and the baby had died.

Just like that.

There was a beating heart one minute, and the next there was nothing.

I knew something was wrong when I saw the doctor’s face. I knew my body had failed me. My baby had died. We did a D&C and I am still crying.

That was our first baby, and after a year of negative pregnancy tests I am heartbroken. We did IVF and got pregnant on the first try, but sadly our baby was not destined to be born.

Loss after IVF is so difficult. I feel like our chances are getting smaller and smaller.

We can’t just “try next month!” as people cheerily say. This is a devastating blow to our family. I am so grateful for my husband and his love. I would not, could not, have gone through this alone. He is the most wonderful man I have met and am lucky to have his love. We are grieving together.

I will never forget our first baby. I was lucky enough to know what it was like to be a mother for 10 weeks. Although my arms are empty, my heart is being comforted by the support of my husband and family.

There are days that I sit alone and cry, there are days that I cry through my smile, and there are moments where I think I’ll be ok. And then something snaps me back to reality and I remember the doctor telling me my baby had died, and the wounds are fresh again.

How will I ever get over this? Will my arms always be empty?

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3 Comments
  1. I’m truly sorry to hear about your loss! I too have miscarried a child that I was desperately wanting. I’m not going to sit here and say oh hun everything will be fine. I won’t tell you that you will get over it. Truth is it does get easier as time goes on , but you will always remember. You will always love this little one that held your heart. When it happened to me one of the things that helped me a lot was we planted a tree and had a memorial for the baby. Again I am very sorry! I pray you have a speedy recovery and can begin to heal.

  2. I am so sorry for you loss. I too have empty arms but from different circumstances. There are so many cliques and platitudes people say that are so hurtful even though they try to be hopeful. The feeling of emptiness does get less empty but there are days my arms ache so bad and its been two years. It does help to do something like plant flowers or a tree, donate money in you child’s honor… You can name your child it does help with the healing process. Do a ballon release or something to give you closure. Who cares what you friends and family think. It’s about you two and how you grieve. Check you area for an October 15th event. Many areas have one if not start one. Please don’t give up hope, dreams do come true maybe not in the way we want but they do come true

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve never had a loss after IVF, but I’ve had 3 this past year. The first one was the hardest, because we had been trying for SO LONG. We wanted that baby so badly. The whole “You can try next month!”, drives me crazy, because really, people in our shoes, that’s all that we do, try and try and try….and people just don’t get it.
    My only advice, don’t hold your feelings in. Don’t feel bad or guilty about crying and grieving your loss. We never get over it, we never forget. We just learn to live with it, and you will, in your own time.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

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