It’s Not OK

We lost our first baby last Friday.

I was 10 weeks and we went in for our 3rd ultrasound and the baby had died.

Just like that.

There was a beating heart one minute, and the next there was nothing.

I knew something was wrong when I saw the doctor’s face. I knew my body had failed me. My baby had died. We did a D&C and I am still crying.

That was our first baby, and after a year of negative pregnancy tests I am heartbroken. We did IVF and got pregnant on the first try, but sadly our baby was not destined to be born.

Loss after IVF is so difficult. I feel like our chances are getting smaller and smaller.

We can’t just “try next month!” as people cheerily say. This is a devastating blow to our family. I am so grateful for my husband and his love. I would not, could not, have gone through this alone. He is the most wonderful man I have met and am lucky to have his love. We are grieving together.

I will never forget our first baby. I was lucky enough to know what it was like to be a mother for 10 weeks. Although my arms are empty, my heart is being comforted by the support of my husband and family.

There are days that I sit alone and cry, there are days that I cry through my smile, and there are moments where I think I’ll be ok. And then something snaps me back to reality and I remember the doctor telling me my baby had died, and the wounds are fresh again.

How will I ever get over this? Will my arms always be empty?

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