I Felt Ignored When Screaming For Support

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day I gave birth to Triton, dead.

Yesterday was a shitty, hard day for me and as ‘strong’ as people think I am, I wanted to break.

I felt broken. Hurt. In pain.

Part of my personal healing is channeling that grief to do what I can to help others who feel isolated, silenced and lost.

Yesterday, I shared that it was Triton’s death day and I was having a hard time, a difficult day.

Grieving, hurting, reaching out.

In trying to help others, I shared in the same post, some websites “that give us the space to heal and grieve and talk, while giving us valuable resources and a space to connect and remove that isolation feeling.

Sites that I know to be amazing places that will give you the support when you need it. They will help you feel not so isolated and silenced, ignored.

Then the comments started coming in on the post & on Facebook and I have some pretty mixed feelings about them.

The majority of the comments were from people just leaving links to other sites saying that “i should put” or “what about” or “why not” this place or that place. I understand that those who shared their links are likely just offering that their site exists too — throwing their hat into the ring of a post with a list of similar websites —  BUT,

I felt ignored. My grief was ignored. I was screaming for some kind words, acknowledgement of my grief, my hard and shitty day.

If anyone wants to know why the sites that were included were on that list — they were the only ones who came to me or left a comment and offered their condolences. They acknowledged the shitty day I was having, they said my son’s name to me, they heard my words that were written and reached out. Those that came by and just left a link and asked me “why not this place”, or “this place is good too” — ignored my grief. Offered me no support, no kind words, no acknowledgement.

I can only say what it felt like to me — as someone who is grieving. I can understand others wanting to offer other areas of support, however in saying nothing about the purpose of the post — the reason behind it being the death day of my silent son — offering no kind words, no “i’m sorry” — felt very tasteless to me.  A simple “I am sorry” and a link to another site would have been classier.

I would have felt supported, my grief and son acknowledged, and not have it be about them feeling ignored by not having their site included. 

Devan McGuinness

is the founder of the online resource Unspoken Grief , which is dedicated to breaking the silence of perinatal grief for those directly and indirectly affected by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Using her own experience of surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan has been actively supporting and encouraging others who are wading through the challenges associated with perinatal and neonatal loss.

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