I Wish

Back story: I endured a missed miscarriage (what do you mean non-viable? but I didn’t pass any blood or clots!) around 6.5 weeks, but we didn’t know until I went in for my 8 week ultrasound in mid-March.  My husband and I were not trying to conceive, but this was a pleasant surprise.  Then, we found out about the unpleasant surprise: missed miscarriage.  I waited for two weeks to pass it naturally.  Overall I went four weeks of no development before my D&C. It was torturous waiting.

I look around and see pregnant women, strollers full, and curious toddlers.

I feel guilty being jealous.  I feel like I should move on and let others live their lives, but I can’t.  I look at the women around me with swollen bellies, whose lives are moving forward, and feel like my life is at a standstill.  I work with children and at times wish their families understood how hard it is for me to do my job, right now.  I’m envious of their full household.  I’m saddened by my empty bedrooms.

It’s incredibly hard to be happy for someone when you’re mourning a loss.   But I know and hope that when my time comes, I will be filled with joy.  So I can’t exactly be mad at them for their uplifted feelings, can I?  I just wish they knew about my loss so they could be mindful around me, so they wouldn’t be so… so happy around me.

I wish a small sign existed so people not as close to me knew that even though it’s been over a month since my loss, I still hurt.  I wish people knew I don’t want to see pictures of their ultrasound or their baby dressed for [enter whatever holiday here].  I wish Facebook made over-posters take down that same picture of their baby smiling in the high-chair from one day to the next. I wish it was easier to announce a miscarriage without people jumping to conclusions. I wish people were more careful about broadcasting their happiness, so silent mourners, unspoken grievers,  might breathe a little easier.

I feel guilty disliking their rightful joy.

But, I wish it was easier to accept it.

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