I Wish

Back story: I endured a missed miscarriage (what do you mean non-viable? but I didn’t pass any blood or clots!) around 6.5 weeks, but we didn’t know until I went in for my 8 week ultrasound in mid-March.  My husband and I were not trying to conceive, but this was a pleasant surprise.  Then, we found out about the unpleasant surprise: missed miscarriage.  I waited for two weeks to pass it naturally.  Overall I went four weeks of no development before my D&C. It was torturous waiting.

I look around and see pregnant women, strollers full, and curious toddlers.

I feel guilty being jealous.  I feel like I should move on and let others live their lives, but I can’t.  I look at the women around me with swollen bellies, whose lives are moving forward, and feel like my life is at a standstill.  I work with children and at times wish their families understood how hard it is for me to do my job, right now.  I’m envious of their full household.  I’m saddened by my empty bedrooms.

It’s incredibly hard to be happy for someone when you’re mourning a loss.   But I know and hope that when my time comes, I will be filled with joy.  So I can’t exactly be mad at them for their uplifted feelings, can I?  I just wish they knew about my loss so they could be mindful around me, so they wouldn’t be so… so happy around me.

I wish a small sign existed so people not as close to me knew that even though it’s been over a month since my loss, I still hurt.  I wish people knew I don’t want to see pictures of their ultrasound or their baby dressed for [enter whatever holiday here].  I wish Facebook made over-posters take down that same picture of their baby smiling in the high-chair from one day to the next. I wish it was easier to announce a miscarriage without people jumping to conclusions. I wish people were more careful about broadcasting their happiness, so silent mourners, unspoken grievers,  might breathe a little easier.

I feel guilty disliking their rightful joy.

But, I wish it was easier to accept it.

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CrowndVic

DC-area school teacher, wife, photographer, & cat/dog-momma.

4 Comments
  1. I understand your pain. I had a third miscarrage 2 months ago, and I am faced with multiple baby shower invitations from friends. Just today a fried when into labor and the other is due in 2 months. I don’t want to be jealous but is hard not to be. I am to the point of canceling my Facebook page because I don’t know if I can handle more postings or announcements of pregnancies. I whish it was easier.. But is not

  2. I feel for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I suffered a missed miscarriage almost exactly a week ago. my heart is broken, and sadly, I keep trying to post a story or anonymous post to this site, and they don’t show up, they won’t go through….I’m unable to get any support from a network of people who can really understand.
    This week I am skipping a baby shower I was invited to, and I am terrified to go back to work and face a coworker who was due on the same day I was. My heart hurts every day. I hope you are healing……

  3. Thank you for that it helps to know others are feeling the same. I find myself upset against all the things mentioned above and angry at parents not taking care or the children or admitting to not wanting them. I have been using facebook to stay up on what’s going on without having to “deal” with people. And I normally love all people and was in ministry and teaching, But I too wish there was a way to skip. And though knowing not right find myself angry at people. Hoping can get help last time wasn’t like this or the one I had twenty years earlier. I am sorry for your loss too, I find myself forgetting to care for others but thanks.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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