I feel terrible today

I just want to say that I feel terrible today. I don’t know what it is about today in particular but I feel so low.

I have miscarried. It is difficult to say when I did. I was so naive before, I had thought that miscarriage was an event or a happening that simply occurred and then was over but it is a long, drawn out, horrendous process.

I first began to bleed on 22 March and it is still ongoing. I can’t even begin to write down what I have been through. I was told I had miscarried during a scan after some bleeding at 7 weeks. Then I was told that I might not have as my hormone levels were still high, then we had to wait and see for a week to be finally told (over the phone) that I had miscarried. It was hellish.

There was also the cold clinical approach of various Doctors and nurses, the physical pain, the galling insensitivity of the “comforting” words from friends and family. You do not need to point out the obvious of ” well, at least you know that you can get pregnant”, you do not need to tell me that “I can have another one”, you do not need to tell me “it’s for the best”, or my favourite “It’s your hormones that are upsetting you”.

I just want acknowledgment of a loss, of a death. If someone passes away you do not comfort their relatives by saying that at least you have another brother/sister/parent! I have experienced bereavement, my father passed away 4 years ago and miscarriage is every bit as real, every bit as painful. I loved my baby from the minute I saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test. Yes, I was petrified but i loved “the bean”. That’s what we called our wee baby and it was perfect and lovely. I am so sad for that wee baby and all that it could have been. I am as sad for that baby as I am for myself and my husband.

My husband has been amazing, he is sensitive and caring and lovely. He is very much a “let’s talk about it” kind of person. I am not. I am scared to articulate the darkness of my thoughts. The darkness is not a constant though and that is what is so strange. I can honestly say that some days I feel fine, but when the darkness comes it can feel overwhelming and paralyzing.

I know and can rationalize that if I ring my sisters or my close friends that they will be sympathetic and empathetic and I may even feel better but I feel paralyzed. Miscarriage is so isolating.

And so I write. It is my refuge and with every word I can feel the darkness lifting.

When I finally found out that the miscarriage was confirmed I walked around in a zombie-like state. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I oscillated between intense painful grief and complete numbness. I would sit beside the phone for an hour trying to get up the courage to ring the Miscarriage Association but I couldn’t. I still can’t.

I talk for a living, I’m a solicitor so I should be good at articulating my thoughts but I am struck dumb.

So I write everything down. Some days it is reams and reams of paper and others it is just one line. When I am really low I show it to my husband so he knows how I feel. He reads it and just looks at me and says “I know darlin'” and gives me a hug and the darkness lifts again.

In some ways I feel like a hypocrite as I am so angry that miscarriage is a taboo and that it is not talked about it, and yet I am a conspirator in the silence.

So this is my first step. I really hope this helps someone. It has certainly helped me and some day when I feel stronger I can begin to speak about it.

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