I Feel More Guilty Than Anything

My fiancé and I had my little boy Rylan (now 2) on December 9, 2010. This was my first pregnancy and I had no complications whatsoever! He came out to be a healthy 8 lb 6 oz baby boy! Last year around Feb. 2012, we decided that we wanted to start trying again, I never really used any kind of contraceptives after having my son, so I thought the process of getting pregnant would be easy again. We tried off and on because we had a lot going on at the time and sometimes we weren’t sure whether we really were ready! So, finally in January of this year 2013, we decided it was really time so we went for it!

After only two months trying, I found out I was pregnant March 3, 2013! I kind of suspected it because a week before my expected period I had some spotting which I thought was weird…then it hit me IMPLANTATION BLEEDING! I was so excited that 4 days after the spotting I went out and bought a home pregnancy test and it was positive!!  My fiancé didn’t believe it because I hadn’t even missed my period yet, so he went out and bought 2 ClearBlue Digital tests and sure enough, they were also positive!! Since then, I haven’t really experienced any symptoms except fatigue so I wasn’t really believing it myself!!

On Thursday 3/21 (to my calculations I would have been around 6 weeks gestation  I started having some heavy spotting. It started off a light pink color and throughout the day got a little brighter with tinges of red! I freaked out a little because the spotting was a little heavier (not at all like a period though) so I took 2 pregnancy tests that I had left over…one was neg. and the other a faint positive!! I started crying!

I scheduled my 1st OBGYN appointment for Friday 3/22/13  and when I went in, they did my urine test and it also came up positive, but very faint so they drew some blood. I told my OB what I was experiencing, heavier spotting (but not a lot and only when I whipped) no cramps or back pain and no passing of clots or tissue. She told me it was normal to spot, but that she would do an ultrasound the next day to make sure! We went in the next day hoping for the best, but preparing ourselves just in case and sure enough the tech saw nothing on the monitor! Not even a gestational sac  — we were heartbroken! My hCG blood levels were also really low, which they told me was obviously not a good sign. They scheduled me for another ultrasound appointment the next Saturday just to make sure (in case it was too early).

I feel as if I am still in denial, I keep hoping we will go back and something will magically appear on the monitor but I know my hCG levels are decreasing even more. I know I have lost my precious baby! I am experiencing a flood of emotions, I feel guilty more than anything. I feel as though it was my body’s fault for not protecting my little one the way it should have and rejecting it. I know I shouldn’t think like this because these things just happen…and no matter what we do, we can’t prevent them, but I am just finding it so hard to deal with.

My fiancé is truly crushed!! I walked into the bathroom earlier today only to find him sitting on the floor sobbing! What do I tell him when I myself can’t be comforted?!? I feel as though I have also failed him for not being able to give him this baby! I wish I didn’t have to go back to get a second ultrasound, we will walk into a room where you are supposed to feel happy to see your unborn child and all we will see is nothing…AGAIN! Why do we have to hear that devastating news twice?

My precious baby: even though I never got to see you in an ultrasound, or heard your little heartbeat, held you in my arms, or say that my little boy was now a big brother, I loved you the very day those pregnancy tests showed up positive! Some people say it doesn’t hurt that much because you never developed, but it hurts just as bad! You were a part of me and Daddy, something we created together and you were taken just as unexpectedly as you arrived! No matter how tiny you may have been, you have forever left the biggest imprint in our hearts! I love you little Cataleah (Daddy was sure you would be a girl and he kept bugging me that this is what we would name you) and this is, and will forever be, what I will remember you by. I love you very much my little one, I am happy to know that my little angel is now in paradise looking down on us next to Jesus!

— Kayla

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