I Feel Like It’s All My Fault

I’ve never done anything like this so bare with me… I think I just kinda need to rant more then anything.

One month ago today, I found out I was pregnant for the first time and also had a miscarriage.. I was 3 and a half weeks. I started having symptoms of pregnancy about a week and a half before that, so my boyfriend went to the drug store and got me a test, he was so excited we could be having a child.

I’ve never seen him so happy lol anyways, he comes home from the store with 3 tests “just to make sure” he says. I did one the next morning we sat there impatiently waiting — him getting more excited by the second and me trying not to get my hopes up just in case. Well, the test ended up saying negative same for the other 2 tests.. (which I didn’t do all in one day i did them in 3 mornings) so we ended up just thinking it was just false symptoms and I was actually sick & left it at that.

About a week later my teeth were hurting so bad i couldn’t sleep.. i was up all night for days in such bad pain. I ended up going to my mothers for dinner one day but couldn’t eat cause it hurt so bad. She tells me to take some anti-inflammatory pills so i took two my mouth finally stopped hurting about 30 mins after taking them.

About 40 mins later I started to feel really bad pains in my stomach & lower back also feeling really nauseous  My mom said i probably didn’t eat enough before taking the pills, but as the minutes passed, the pain was getting worse. I went to try to go to the bathroom, I ended up getting my period at least I thought, but it wasn’t normal at all not normal color and way to heavy. I just thought maybe it was my missed/late period, but then i got up from the toilet and fell on the floor in the worst pain I’ve ever been in.

I ended up begging my step-dad to take me to the hospital. I found out I had a miscarriage because of the anti-inflammatory drugs I took.  I was so confused, I took 3 tests & all came back negative. The dr said i didn’t have enough hCG hormones so the tests “didn’t work” (he explained it in big words), but i was in fact pregnant at the time.

I haven’t told anyone this except my boyfriend, especially not my mom cause she gave me the pills she will think its her fault… but its not.. I should have known I was pregnant. I shouldn’t have taken those pills…I haven’t been the same since. I cry everyday. He tells me it happened for a reason that it’s ok, but I can tell he’s hurt too. I feel so depressed and I just cant move on.. I know I have to but how?  When will the sadness start to fade?

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3 Comments
  1. Don’t feel like this was your fault. You did the right thing and assumed you were not pregnant. No one is at fault and no expert would positively agree that the medication would not have caused the miscarriage anyway. Don’t blame yourself for this. Its easy to say it, but know that your not alone with your experience and it takes time to grieve through it to heal. My prayers are with you.

  2. I’m very sorry for your loss. Consider this: you don’t ever have to “move on”. At some point your pain will lessen, you will start to feel moments of joy, and then, you will be ready to “move forward”. Moving forward means we pick up our hurt and our love and take them with us. There’s nothing you need to leave behind. Be gentle with yourself.

    Also…I’m betting that your doctor used a convenient explanation for your miscarriage. I really don’t believe your anti-inflammatory use caused your loss.

    Hugs…

  3. For what it’s worth, I had my miscarriage at 6 weeks, and my doctor told me that there was absolutely nothing – no hitting your stomach, no drugs, no eating wrong – NOTHING that could cause you to miscarry that early, other than just nature taking it’s hateful course. I know that telling you not to blame yourself would be futile, because guilt is such as large part of miscarriages, but know that it’s not your fault.

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