I Feel Like I Didn’t Mourn Properly

First and foremost my name is Mandy and I am 17 and my boyfriend is 22 and I am here to share my story because I feel I have no one to talk to about my situation, even though I do…I just feel nobody would understand nor do I have the words to explain my complex feelings.

So here it is: I got pregnant June of 2012 with my wonderful boyfriend that I moved in with (who was there the whole time and whom I am still with). It was a shock to find out the news of being pregnant because I have a lot of scar tissue in my uterus and have mild endometriosis. It was a scary thought to know I was pregnant, but as unorthodox as you may think it is. I was happy and at ease knowing that I had a great man by my side and was ambitious enough to still pursue my dreams with or without a child at a young age.

But, with all the positive reinforcements at my grasp, I think the thing that kept me most calm was that in my culture (which is Romny or “gypsy”) it is common to marry and have children young so my whole life I was prepared for this. I couldn’t help but hide the excitement that against all odds I was going to be blessed enough to be a mother. I am into naturopathy and was not getting ultrasounds as much as a traditional expectant mother would because I see it as unhealthy. I was warned by the doctor and my Naturopathic provider that I would have to take extra care to ensure a healthy, full term pregnancy because of my endometriosis. I didn’t take any of the medications recommend by my OBGYN, but instead was determined to follow my natural way of living and take that approach, so i did.

Everything was going great in both my life and pregnancy ( I did have high hCG but my worries were rest assured by my doctors) I carried a healthy pregnancy up until about 5 months I started having slightly progressive cramping a week prior to the loss and was once again told I was ok by my Naturopathic doctor. A few days later I was in Walmart getting some herbs recommend by my naturopath while my boyfriend waited in the car when I suddenly had pressure on my pelvis and rushed to the bathroom thinking it was one of those sudden pregnancy “have to pee” moments.

As I weaved in and out of the isles to the bathroom the pressure increased and I felt my muscles clench. As I sat on the toilet I felt a painful release and immediately looked in the toilet and saw a pool of blood and greyish-pink matter and called my naturopath, no answer, I text her…in tears at this point, frantically waiting the reply. She told me to be calm and come see her or go to the emergency room. I sat there with blood still spilling out; shocked, terrified, and in pain. After about 20 minutes of sitting there, I knew there was nothing that could be done and I knew I wasn’t going to the emergency room to have a D&C, I knew how to take care of it myself. So, I got up after awhile, hurried and found some castor oil and rubbed it on my stomach. Then went back to the bathroom to complete my last few pushes of agony. Then went to the car and told my boyfriend with a stone-cold facial expression what had happened. We went back to the house and sat in the room. With not much to say to one another; after awhile we both had a good 20 minute cry on each other’s shoulder and after that I couldn’t help but think to myself “what now?, do I go on with my day?, what do we do?” He recommend we watch a movie in the room…so we did; not saying a word about the baby.

The next few days we went on normally, not mentioning it. I wondered if he felt sad or how we should go about mourning this kind of complex loss. It never left my mind though during those next few days, as I was still passing matter from the baby. Now it is about 5 months later (with my due date supposed to be March 14, 2013) and it hasn’t crossed my mind much lately, but what brought it to my attention once again was that about a week ago my boyfriend and I were having some issues and he was talking to one of his friends that is a girl about it ( a girl that I only met a few times during my pregnancy) and this girl messages me on Facebook telling me that I’m a bad girlfriend basically and then at the end of her message she questions the legitimacy of my pregnancy.

Accusing my of lying about the ordeal because I didn’t have a D&C and according to her it’s “mandatory” although neither my boyfriend, none of his family (that I know of), or anyone else ever questioned my pregnancy. I couldn’t help after reading that but feel enraged, crushed, and depressed. So that is why I am thinking about my angel that never made it to us so much right now.

I feel I didn’t mourn properly…my boyfriend and I just tried to ignore it almost it seems. I feel so hurt whenever I see another other girls blabbing about how many weeks far along they are and how great their child is and how excited they are. I feel as if they are flaunting it directly to me (even though I know they aren’t), I feel almost angry and hateful towards then and feel they are undeserving…as awful as that may sound it is how I feel.

My boyfriend said we will try again when the time is right, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to get pregnant again and it scares me hurts me.so much because that’s all I want is to be a.mother. On another noteL tonight my boyfriend and I were talking on the topic of me having the urge to nurture something and joking on the topic that we should adopt a baby or I should get a puppy. Then it escalated into him telling me I need to quit being depressed (as I have been the past week about the baby) and grow up. I feel like he isn’t even sad about the loss or anything. I feel he doesn’t really care or maybe it never registered in his mind that I was pregnant (even though I was showing pretty good fairly soon) and maybe it was never surreal that we lost the baby because he was upset for maybe an hour the day we lost the baby and never really mentioned it again so neither did I.

I feel very alone.

— Mandy

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