I Feel Like I Didn’t Mourn Properly

First and foremost my name is Mandy and I am 17 and my boyfriend is 22 and I am here to share my story because I feel I have no one to talk to about my situation, even though I do…I just feel nobody would understand nor do I have the words to explain my complex feelings.

So here it is: I got pregnant June of 2012 with my wonderful boyfriend that I moved in with (who was there the whole time and whom I am still with). It was a shock to find out the news of being pregnant because I have a lot of scar tissue in my uterus and have mild endometriosis. It was a scary thought to know I was pregnant, but as unorthodox as you may think it is. I was happy and at ease knowing that I had a great man by my side and was ambitious enough to still pursue my dreams with or without a child at a young age.

But, with all the positive reinforcements at my grasp, I think the thing that kept me most calm was that in my culture (which is Romny or “gypsy”) it is common to marry and have children young so my whole life I was prepared for this. I couldn’t help but hide the excitement that against all odds I was going to be blessed enough to be a mother. I am into naturopathy and was not getting ultrasounds as much as a traditional expectant mother would because I see it as unhealthy. I was warned by the doctor and my Naturopathic provider that I would have to take extra care to ensure a healthy, full term pregnancy because of my endometriosis. I didn’t take any of the medications recommend by my OBGYN, but instead was determined to follow my natural way of living and take that approach, so i did.

Everything was going great in both my life and pregnancy ( I did have high hCG but my worries were rest assured by my doctors) I carried a healthy pregnancy up until about 5 months I started having slightly progressive cramping a week prior to the loss and was once again told I was ok by my Naturopathic doctor. A few days later I was in Walmart getting some herbs recommend by my naturopath while my boyfriend waited in the car when I suddenly had pressure on my pelvis and rushed to the bathroom thinking it was one of those sudden pregnancy “have to pee” moments.

As I weaved in and out of the isles to the bathroom the pressure increased and I felt my muscles clench. As I sat on the toilet I felt a painful release and immediately looked in the toilet and saw a pool of blood and greyish-pink matter and called my naturopath, no answer, I text her…in tears at this point, frantically waiting the reply. She told me to be calm and come see her or go to the emergency room. I sat there with blood still spilling out; shocked, terrified, and in pain. After about 20 minutes of sitting there, I knew there was nothing that could be done and I knew I wasn’t going to the emergency room to have a D&C, I knew how to take care of it myself. So, I got up after awhile, hurried and found some castor oil and rubbed it on my stomach. Then went back to the bathroom to complete my last few pushes of agony. Then went to the car and told my boyfriend with a stone-cold facial expression what had happened. We went back to the house and sat in the room. With not much to say to one another; after awhile we both had a good 20 minute cry on each other’s shoulder and after that I couldn’t help but think to myself “what now?, do I go on with my day?, what do we do?” He recommend we watch a movie in the room…so we did; not saying a word about the baby.

The next few days we went on normally, not mentioning it. I wondered if he felt sad or how we should go about mourning this kind of complex loss. It never left my mind though during those next few days, as I was still passing matter from the baby. Now it is about 5 months later (with my due date supposed to be March 14, 2013) and it hasn’t crossed my mind much lately, but what brought it to my attention once again was that about a week ago my boyfriend and I were having some issues and he was talking to one of his friends that is a girl about it ( a girl that I only met a few times during my pregnancy) and this girl messages me on Facebook telling me that I’m a bad girlfriend basically and then at the end of her message she questions the legitimacy of my pregnancy.

Accusing my of lying about the ordeal because I didn’t have a D&C and according to her it’s “mandatory” although neither my boyfriend, none of his family (that I know of), or anyone else ever questioned my pregnancy. I couldn’t help after reading that but feel enraged, crushed, and depressed. So that is why I am thinking about my angel that never made it to us so much right now.

I feel I didn’t mourn properly…my boyfriend and I just tried to ignore it almost it seems. I feel so hurt whenever I see another other girls blabbing about how many weeks far along they are and how great their child is and how excited they are. I feel as if they are flaunting it directly to me (even though I know they aren’t), I feel almost angry and hateful towards then and feel they are undeserving…as awful as that may sound it is how I feel.

My boyfriend said we will try again when the time is right, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to get pregnant again and it scares me hurts me.so much because that’s all I want is to be a.mother. On another noteL tonight my boyfriend and I were talking on the topic of me having the urge to nurture something and joking on the topic that we should adopt a baby or I should get a puppy. Then it escalated into him telling me I need to quit being depressed (as I have been the past week about the baby) and grow up. I feel like he isn’t even sad about the loss or anything. I feel he doesn’t really care or maybe it never registered in his mind that I was pregnant (even though I was showing pretty good fairly soon) and maybe it was never surreal that we lost the baby because he was upset for maybe an hour the day we lost the baby and never really mentioned it again so neither did I.

I feel very alone.

— Mandy

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  1. I know (a little bit) how you feel, and I support you! I miscarried at about 10 weeks with a blighted ovum. My husband and I also cried about it, and then moved on. While I was happy to pick up and move on to a certain extent, I never got to mourn, and it all came crashing back down on me about a month later, when I got my first period after the miscarriage.

    I cannot imagine how painful it must have been to loose your baby so far into the pregnancy, and I am so sorry that you’re not getting the support you deserve. Even if it is important to continue our activities, it is equally as important to acknowledge the pain and grief we feel after a miscarriage. I don’t think one can effectively carry on normally without that grieving. Talk to your boyfriend again, in a solid way. Tell him how you feel, and insist that he listen. Help him to understand that you are not just being depressed or whiny – you are taking on an important step so taht you can move on and hopefully try again some day.

    I understand feeling angry about others’ pregnancies, but try to be honest. It’s normal to feel that way – but concentrate on the positive. If you need to tell those pregnant friends what happened and ask them to back off a little bit, that’s fine, too. Insist on the support you need.

    So much love heading your way! You can do this.

    1. Im sorry for your loss… I just wanted to say that men feel this differently, as they are very visual… They think about the baby as an idea… And we feel them and are more attached to them… I had two miscarriages and on the second it felt like he didt even care, but we talked, and he just said he felt it differently… But he was sad too, and wanted to be there for me…
      Hope you feel better to try again, O have a living son and its tottally worth the try…

  2. hi,
    May 3,2013 I gave birth to my precious daughter “Savannah” born still but still born! A large piece of me died right along with her. I thought this pregnancy was a “Blessing” as I was told for years it would be difficult to conceive from years of irregular periods and lack of eggs. I found out I was pregnant @ the age of 40 and was three months (just about 4months). I was in denial but truly excited when I saw first ultrasound. Because of my age I had many trips to doc appointments, several different testings but all were perfect (at least that’s what the doctors were telling me). I had the three hour “sugar test” passed it. The last four weeks I had to go for weekly NST, that also was perfect. My co-workers kept saying to me, “girl your still here working, you need to be home resting”, “you look good for nine months”. You know what… I felt good too! As a matter of fact I was feeling the best ever my whole pregnancy.

    I remember like it was yesterday, I attended my doc apt two days prior to my due date (April 30th) and he listen to her heart beat (Monday) said everything looking good Jennifer, her head is down Any day now! I was filled with energy I remember, n was washing my babies clothes and hanging up, placing in drawers. Wednesday I got up early n morning to take my truck for inspection just before I go for my regular NST, but the line was long and my mind was racing that morning and I thought to myself wait a minute somethings strange. When was the last time I felt my baby move (she was very active whole pregnancy)? I decided to get out of line and go to my scheduled NST early. The first nurse was swishing monitor around, nothing, second nurse comes in to help, nothing. Then there were whispering in hallway, I felt there was something wrong but nothing prepared me to what I was about to be told. Nurse comes in says calmly your doc asked us to do ultrasound just to hear heartbeat because sometimes these monitors pick up your heartrate. Needless to say moments after ultrasound here comes my doctor n a room I was in sitting on side of bed. He said “Jennifer, I am so sorry”. I just starred at him awaiting to smile and it just would be this aweful joke he was telling me. I asked him to tell me again, this time I was expecting to hear something different not that the baby I was anticipating to meet and had already fallen completely in love with, had died.

    I sat back on edge of bed with cell phone in my hand, the nurse asking did I want her to call someone (I was alone and normally for NST test I”d go alone). I must have gone into shock of somekind because for the life of me I couldn’t dial a #, even looking at my contact list names were not registering. I couldn’t think straight. Next thing I know my GYNO was explaining I had to go to another hosp for High Risk delivery and prepare for a vaginal delivery of my deceased baby. Wow!

    This was my first pregnancy, my first born! I remember the thousands of birth ..stories I had to hear when a woman approached me during last 4/5months. Non of which would prepare me for what I was about to experience, and to my surprise even this very day, my birthing experience is a total blur (I remember nothing). I have short pictures that come to mind, but not sure if those pictures in my mind come from the pictures painted by family/friends that tell/paint the story for me.

    I am told I held Savannah briefly, but gave her back quickly to nurse cause I just felt like I couldn’t handle it. I only remember her lips (distinctly remember how gorgeous n perfectly shaped they were). My friends/family took pics and an independent professional photographer also came to take pics of her, but this very day I have not chose to observe them (not ready,scarred) but deep inside feel at peace that one day when I am ready they are available for me to view.

    I hate to go to the store now, I hate to turn on tv, I get angry/jealous when Baby topics come up. I hope soon I retain “normalcy” soon. The pain is unbearable at times, and I do know “it takes time” but just how much time concerns me @ this point. Savannah was born, she is my daughter. The daughter I grew to love more than anything. The daughter I never got to change her first diaper, never got to see her eyes open and look at me, the daughter I will never hear her first cry…

    Alone, I believe u stated in your personal story. I may have had my family/friends there with me, but truthfully I was and continue to feel alone in this situation. You see the outside world can never connect with me and how I connected to my very own daughter. I wanted the “World” to meet my precious Savannah, and that’s not a factor. So I have to find a way to share Savannah with the World because even though she was “born still” she was STILL BORN and that matters a whole lot to me.

  3. Hey .
    I lost my son at 23 weeks, and he was beautiful.
    I understand what you’re going through. Recently I made my status ” R.I.P Rogan” (Rogan was my son’s name). And one of my friend’s who is pregnant told me ” I can’t be your friend because you’re giving negative vibes towards my unborn child”. Almost like having a stillbirth was a disease that someone could pass on. I was furious and outraged.
    Alot of people who are close to me in some way are pregnant now and are LITERALLY ignoring me. Yesterday I had another breakdown but was greatful to my boyfriend for being around.
    Ignore the girl that’s trying to play ‘judge’ on your life. Open up to your boyfriend, sweets. I’m young, too. I turned 19 this year and my son died 5 days after my birthday. He was a Leo like his Momma.
    I miss him sooooo much, but trust me, everything might not go away because your child was a part of you and you’ll never forget that, but remember someday you’ll get to a place where you feel calm and happy.
    But for now just grieve, sweety.
    All my love.

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