At 5am on Tuesday 5th February 2013, I gave birth to a baby boy at home.
He was 20 weeks & 1 day gestational age and weighed a mere 340 grams.
I held my son his whole life; 8 minutes.
I named my son Cash Alan.
I watched Cash as he struggled for life; it is an image that will forever haunt me. I shared his pain and fear, but there was nothing I could do to save him. An autopsy found that my premature labour was caused by an infection of the uterus and placenta due to low levels of amniotic fluid. Cash was cremated on Thursday, February 14th, 2013. I keep his ashes with me in a small urn. I have found some comfort in knowing that all Cash knew of Life was my love for him, but I will never truly come to terms with his death.
Prior to my loss, I spent over 15 years building a career as a publicist. I loved my field and felt passionate about everything I was doing. After I lost Cash, everything changed. I became someone else, none of the little stuff mattered anymore. I see Life so differently now. I was at a crossroads, lost in my grief.
A few weeks after losing Cash I packed up and moved 1600 kilometers away for a fresh start. I knew I no longer wanted to be a publicist, the late nights and time away from home kept me away from my other children. My idea came to me after spending hours upon hours searching the internet for keepsakes to honour Cash.
On 24, June 2013 (the date Cash was due to be born), I started a business called ‘In Loving Memory Of Cash‘; a dedication to the brief Life of my son. The official launch is planned for 5th February 2014; his first angelversary. I want to to ensure that bereaved parents have an opportunity to save the moment without thinking about the details. I now handcraft unique memorial keepsakes full time. 100% of the profits are used to support pregnancy and infant loss projects/campaigns.
Creating memorial gifts is a great outlet for my own grief. A piece of my heart & soul goes into every one of my creations. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT MAKING SOMETHING SPECIAL, IT’S ABOUT HONOURING A PRECIOUS LIFE, HOWEVER BRIEF. The most comforting words when grieving are “You Are Not Alone”. I am able connect with bereaved parents on a level that not everyone else can. I understand the intense pain & sorrow, the never ending heartbreak, and the heavy burden of empty arms. The response so far has been tremendous and I have already helped many families honour their angels.
I still have my bad days where I just want to stay in bed and grieve all day. Of course I live for my other children, but now I have a purpose, a reason to go on; I want to make sure no angel gets forgotten.
Photo credit: adapted from NeilMcCrae| Flickr