Today marks 2 years since my miscarriage…a day that only I remember.
I have hear so many times in the last 2 years that I should be over this by now, I wasn’t that far along so I’m being ridiculous. I was never giving a chance to grieve. I swallowed my feelings and buried them. No one wanted to hear it and no one wanted to talk to me about it…and I had no one that I could turn to to talk about it.
I was told “if you would have just listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened“. I felt for the longest time that it was my fault… and there are still sometimes that I feel this way. I have had to learn that this was not my fault..there is nothing that I could have done to stop this… I realized that I needed help.
My job, I have to see infants, young children, and pregnant woman every day.. I did everything that I could to avoid them. I would get angry, furious at them. My only thought was, “why them…why them and not me? What did I do that was so wrong in my life that I didn’t get to have the same chance?“
I’ve joined many support groups online, and they have helped tremendously. Having someone to talk to, who actually knows what it’s like was the best thing I could have done. Talking to people who don’t understand just does not work. I have gotten better in the last 2 years. I don’t get so angry when I see a pregnant woman, but I do still get sad. I think that I always will, and I have accepted that.
This was my first pregnancy, which I think makes it that much harder. My husband and I haven’t not tried again…but we have plans to in the coming year, but I am so terrified inside that it will happen again. I say if..instead of when to people when talking about having a child. When you bring your hopes up of something that may never happen…. This is something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
Today is hard…and I know it always will be. I will never “get over” the loss of my first child. There will always be that emptiness and sadness inside of my heart. But knowing that I am not alone, finding sites like this…it helps….in a major way.
We will all make it through this dark cloud….