My story almost five years later.

I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. It was in complete shock, I did not know what to do. I was petrified to break my mothers heart and I dwelled on what choice to make. One of my friends gave me a few pills that “would make it go away” I was only a few weeks pregnant. I took her pills home and sat alone on the couch with a glass of water in one hand and with the pills in another. I said a prayer and I asked the lord to help me choose the right path, I cried and realized I would be a mother soon. I threw the pills away and wiped my tears away, I was going to be a mother…..

A few weeks later my boyfriend and I finally told my mother; it was the hardest thing to do.

On my first ultrasound the doctor advised me that their was something abnormal with the baby; I was only three months pregnant. I proceeded to continue care at a specialized hospital and had the hardest time when the doctors would routinely ask if I would like to terminate my pregnancy. I did not understand why they pushed it so much. I asked if he could live a normal life and they said yes, so as far as I was concerned as long as the baby could have a normal life terminating the pregnancy was not an option.

My pregnancy involved several appointments a month with bad news in every visit. However, as every day went by I fell more in love with my little man that never kept still inside me. He was my companion and I always talked to him when I felt alone.

When I turned 30 weeks pregnant I had two appointments scheduled that week. The first visit on Thursday was perfect, the baby was moving and doing ok. I saw him through the ultrasound and heard his heartbeat. That night I had a horrible migraine and could not sleep. At 5am I still could not sleep and I felt my baby move very violently I could feel it was a big move. The next morning I had an ultrasound at 9am, when the doctor turned on the machine she was quite and kept moving her hand over my belly over and over I could see my son but he did not move. I saw her face and I thought the worst, she asked how the appointment was the day before and asked if he had a heartbeat; I said yes.

She then said she could not find one anymore and she was sorry. Right away I looked at my boyfriend and saw his pain in his eyes. I only saw his pain and could not think of mine. I felt numb, I asked for some time to check in to the hospital so that my sisters could drive in to town.

2 days later I delivered Angel at 10am. I had some family in the room and allowed them to carry him and meet him. It was my turn and I held him for a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. The whole world stopped and I only saw him. I held him and talked to him as if he could hear and as if he was peacefully sleeping. I touched him and after a 30 minutes gave him back to the nurses.

The next day I had to leave the hospital and get my medicine for pain. I remember that as I spoke to the clerk I broke down and started to cry. The next day we went to the mortuary I still felt numb. I walked slowly and the world seemed to be moving slowly with me.

We made the decision to cremate our son and sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. I have saved everything I accumulated through out my pregnancy and I am very attached to it.

I don’t talk to many people about it when I remember him only my boyfriend who is now my fiancee.  I do not feel comfortable with how other people react, I think I make them uncomfortable. When I do talk to someone they all say the same things. I guess I don’t blame them what else can they say….

Today I carried my friends two month old for several hours. He slept on my chest, and I didn’t want to let him go…….. In a way I see my son in him

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About Unspoken Grief

Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.