Hopeful, yet Hopeless

It’s strange that I can feel HopeFUL and HopeLESS at the same time. Perhaps its linked to the fact that I’m a Gemini and I often experience some type of duality in my personality and feelings, or maybe its just the loss of our angel that keeps me partly in the shadows and partly in the light. It gives me a sense of unrest as I can’t seem to “claim” either part as my own and hence I feel as if I’m in limbo, in a state of unrest, and I don’t feel comfortable here.

One moment, I feel hopeful that the saliva microscope and the fertility monitor will give us a chance at another baby, to make us a family with children. Maybe our timing has been off? Maybe we had to go through this painful time in order to see the value of our family ever more clearly? Maybe this is just the storm before the calm? Maybe I’m too eager – it’s only been 6 months since we lost our baby, so maybe my body needed more time in order to “host” another child?

Then, in an instant, I feel unsettled and hopeless. I was excited to open our mailbox yesterday and see a package. In my heart, I knew that there was no way that the fertility monitor would get here so fast, but I hoped. Then my heart sank as I read the side label “Similac”. This was a package of baby formula as part of the Similac Mother’s Club, which I had signed up for over the summer. As my due date is nearing, they figured that we would be using formula soon and sent a welcome package. Little did they know, that we had no use for their products. In an instant, I felt hopeless, like the family that we dream of will never happen. That there are too many obstacles in my way – our age, my medical condition, the cost of fertility treatments, the high cost of adoption, etc. I feel sad, angry, I wish I could hold my baby, I wish I could hear him/her cry. When we lost our angel, I never felt empty, as so many other women describe it, I just felt like I had awoken from a glorious dream and was back to my painful reality. I had to pinch myself to make sure that we really were finally pregnant with a baby, that that dream had been real, for a while.

I’ll keep the powdered formula as a sign of hopeFULness and since it has an expiry date of 2013 – but the liquid can of formula for newborns and the coupons, I’ll pass along to our neighbour, as our child will not make use of it and I feel hopeLESS about that. But she is due a week after us, so they might as well enjoy it with their baby, and it has an expiry of October 2011, which will never last for any of our hopefully future children.

I hope this state of limbo that I’m in will pass soon, as I don’t feel comfortable here – or maybe this is part of my ‘new’ normal? Always knowing that despite being happy, there will always be some sadness too…

Originally posted on my own blog on Wednesday, February 23, 2011

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