Heartbroken: What Did I Do Wrong?

I was so surprised and excited when I found out I was pregnant on July 8th.

But, 1 month later, I went in for my 10 week appointment and the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat.

So she did an ultrasound and still no heartbeat, just a lifeless fetus.

They estimated that the baby died around 8 weeks and now I have to go in for a D&C. I feel horrible! So lost.

I just keep thinking, “what did I do wrong?” I don’t know how to cope.

— Anonymous

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  1. First and foremost, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.

    I also lost my baby when I was 10 weeks along. Four weeks ago, I started bleeding and went to the ER, where I was checked and sent home. The next day I had to wait until 3:30pm for an ultrasound, which was torture. After the ultrasound I went the washroom where I passed a clot the size of my fist and I know down in my soul that my baby was in the toilet.

    In the past four weeks, I have learned many things that may help:
    1). Surviving a miscarriage (yes – surviving!) brings you into a warm sisterhood of women who understand your grief. Please know YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
    2). Like this website says, this is an unspoken grief – and you will feel lost and alone because friends and family do not want to talk about miscarriage and all that it means – which is why so many women turn to online support
    3). You will feel lost and alone – it is okay to have an ugly cry at 4am or at work if you need to. Grief is hard work and for me it feels like you have been thrown into a dark pit with no escape. Grief is dark and lonely, but with time, there will be a bit of light at the top of that pit. We lost a much loved baby and became a mother to that baby when we learned of their existance. You will always have a soul connection to that baby and nothing can take that away.

    Love and peace,

  2. Im so sorry for your loss. The same thing happened to me, and I felt the same way. In fact, I think Devan was the first person I reached out to to help me handle the heartbreak. I’m sending you hugs and strength and hope you know your feelings are all normal. Xoxo

  3. I am going through this right now. I am 11 wks, but no hearthbeat, and my baby is the size of a 7wks. I cannot believe this is happening right now. I have friends who have gone through this, but I dont know they felt the way I do. I am trying to be strong for my daughter and husband, but I simply cant! All I think about was the babythat could have been. I haveno answers, no explanation. I can even feel my baby move inside of me, I feel like I am going crazy.

  4. So sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of prayers and thoughts- I read a book I found on amazon called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew”, it was an excellent read. It has some journaling in it and it really helped me!

    My husband and I went through 2 miscarriages. Each time we went in at 8 weeks and everything is perfect, then the first time we went back at 11 weeks and the second at 12 weeks, and there was my little babies with no heartbeat, they had stopped growing at 9 weeks. No idea why it happened, hoping that this third time is a charm… *fingers crossed* If you’re like me, it’s easy to find stories on not being able to get pregnant and the actual event of miscarrying, but hard to find stories of hope i.e. “how after my miscarriages I carried my beautiful child to term” or the like. I hope something on this site, or maybe that book can help you as it helped me. It’s something people can never understand unless they go through it..

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About Unspoken Grief

Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.