My Heart Was Crushed and I Never Recovered

dandelion

I didn’t think I would ever get pregnant, but 13 months after I got married in found out I was expecting.

I was so happy me and my mum where jumping for joy, my husband was visiting his family when we found out but he was over the moon. I could have shouted the news from the roof top. I got to my 5th month of pregnancy and decided it was time to shop, so I bought everything blue as we where having a boy . I bought a beautiful Moses basket I was so excited and every item felt like a trophy.

I reached my 6th month of pregnancy and decided to visit my husband’s family my husband was going to come but a work commitment came up last minute so I took my sister instead. I only went to Turkey for 4 days and was delighted to share my pregnancy excitement with my mother and sister-in-law who where delighted. The last night of our trip, me an my sister went for a lovely meal and all was well.

The next morning I woke at 7 am desperate for a wee I ran to the hotel toilet and my water broke in the toilet. I yelped out with fear ran and woke my sister still dripping with water I sat on the bed crying with a bath towel between my legs while my sister ran to the hotel reception for help. We went straight to the nearest hospital where my husband’s family met me. The doctor didn’t realize I spoke Turkish he scanned me an turned to the nurse and said “she has lost all her waters the baby heart is still beating but within 45 minutes his heart will stop she will have to deliver the baby.”

All I could hear is my son Mikails heart will stop and there is nothing I can do I felt desperate like I just wanted to fill myself up with water stop him from coming out, but there was nothing I could do other than cry. I felt alone I was in a foreign country with a nurse who never showed me even a kind smile of comfort. Thank God for my older sister who stayed with me through my 10 hour labour.

Finally after pushing my sister said he has your husband’s feet then the rest of his little body came out he had my lips and nose, the nurse tried to take him away from me but I insisted I held him. She passed him to me he had everything even little nails on his fingers I loved him so much I felt so sad and guilty that I couldn’t keep him safe in my body.

I just wanted to keep him I just held his small lifeless body in my hands, after 5 minutes the nurse snatched him away they returned later with him wrapped in a green hospital cloth reluctant to let me hold him but I insisted.

I examined his body and kissed his little lips. After two minutes he was taken and I never go to hold him or see him again. I just sat in the hospital bed numb, empty, desperate weeping. I was discharged at 12 that night just in time for my mum and husband to arrive at my in-laws. My heart was crushed that day and has never recovered.

I spent the next 38 days dying inside and each day had its challenges. Then I found out after 38 days I was pregnant again my second pregnancy was successful and I had a beautiful baby boy. I’d love to say I feel back to normal but I don’t. I never fully addressed what I had gone through and got pregnant very fast. I love my beautiful baby boy, but still mourn for my first son. Unfortunately my negativity has been focused on my poor husband who has done nothing but love and support me and only now am I finally addressing my loss which still burns like it was only yesterday.

My advice to any mum who has been through anything similar is heal yourself first as a new pregnancy may take the focus of what happened but you will still have to deal with the loss one day.

Strength and love all.

— Anonymous

Photo credit: adapted from Dan Zen| Flickr

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