Garden of Angels

My first (confirmed) miscarriage happened in 2009 when I was 18. I remember feeling sad. I remember seeing what would have been my baby and holding it in complete shock.

I had another miscarriage in 2011 when I was 20. My mom had just come out of a 21 day long coma. We didn’t think she was going to make it. My husband had been deployed for 4-5 weeks. We had just moved to San Diego from Washington about 2 months prior to that, so I knew no one. I took that one pretty hard because I was alone for the next 7 months 1600 miles from family.

I had my third (confirmed) miscarriage in June.

I just had another miscarriage last week. It started Monday with spotting, but got bad on Tuesday. It didn’t hurt at all until Thursday. I had hope that maybe it was a fluke and I was bleeding hard. I had just started telling people. I was between 6-7 weeks. Unlike the other times I actually felt sick for a couple weeks. I ordered a book for my husband and one for me. They came yesterday.

I feel like I am drowning now, having to see those books. Mine had a section on miscarriage and said people with repeated miscarriages have a 60% chance of conceiving. That was suppose to be optimistic I think… I didn’t take it that way. Then today, I was asked to make cupcakes for a baby shower. The woman is single, she didn’t want the baby originally. I know I’m only 21 but this seems unfair.

I knew it was coming, I kept joking for weeks (since we got a positive) that I would miscarry. Then a few days before it happened my cat and dogs wouldn’t even come near me. Especially my cat, who had been clingy for weeks.

I feel so helpless right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m 21, my mom and all of her family were all very fertile. I feel like a failure, like I can’t do the one thing that is suppose to come easy. I took my vitamins, I ate healthy, I did everything right but I just keep losing them.  I would welcome and love a baby, I have already adjusted my life multiple times for one. I know I am young and have a lot of life ahead of me but I want a baby. A healthy baby to hold in my arms. I have enough angel babies.

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2 Comments
  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. Words are not enough, I know…I have 3 angel babies.
    Just wanted to ask if you’ve had any testing done to see if there is a problem…something with a fairly simple fix. For me, it was that my body wasn’t producing enough progesterone to sustain the pregnancies and I have hypothyroidism. Once I got the thyroid fixed and got pregnant I was put on progesterone right away…and it worked. When you feel able, look into it and see. Much love and hugs…

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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