Garden of Angels

My first (confirmed) miscarriage happened in 2009 when I was 18. I remember feeling sad. I remember seeing what would have been my baby and holding it in complete shock.

I had another miscarriage in 2011 when I was 20. My mom had just come out of a 21 day long coma. We didn’t think she was going to make it. My husband had been deployed for 4-5 weeks. We had just moved to San Diego from Washington about 2 months prior to that, so I knew no one. I took that one pretty hard because I was alone for the next 7 months 1600 miles from family.

I had my third (confirmed) miscarriage in June.

I just had another miscarriage last week. It started Monday with spotting, but got bad on Tuesday. It didn’t hurt at all until Thursday. I had hope that maybe it was a fluke and I was bleeding hard. I had just started telling people. I was between 6-7 weeks. Unlike the other times I actually felt sick for a couple weeks. I ordered a book for my husband and one for me. They came yesterday.

I feel like I am drowning now, having to see those books. Mine had a section on miscarriage and said people with repeated miscarriages have a 60% chance of conceiving. That was suppose to be optimistic I think… I didn’t take it that way. Then today, I was asked to make cupcakes for a baby shower. The woman is single, she didn’t want the baby originally. I know I’m only 21 but this seems unfair.

I knew it was coming, I kept joking for weeks (since we got a positive) that I would miscarry. Then a few days before it happened my cat and dogs wouldn’t even come near me. Especially my cat, who had been clingy for weeks.

I feel so helpless right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m 21, my mom and all of her family were all very fertile. I feel like a failure, like I can’t do the one thing that is suppose to come easy. I took my vitamins, I ate healthy, I did everything right but I just keep losing them.  I would welcome and love a baby, I have already adjusted my life multiple times for one. I know I am young and have a lot of life ahead of me but I want a baby. A healthy baby to hold in my arms. I have enough angel babies.

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  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. Words are not enough, I know…I have 3 angel babies.
    Just wanted to ask if you’ve had any testing done to see if there is a problem…something with a fairly simple fix. For me, it was that my body wasn’t producing enough progesterone to sustain the pregnancies and I have hypothyroidism. Once I got the thyroid fixed and got pregnant I was put on progesterone right away…and it worked. When you feel able, look into it and see. Much love and hugs…

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About Unspoken Grief

Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.