Five months & One Day

my heart grew wings September 25, 2011…

Ive never known a love greater than the love I had for the five short months i held him inside me. Ive never cared for anyone like i did my little ‘nudger’…life was blissful, my husband and i could not have been happier, i swear there was nothing on this earth that could have killed my cloud i was floating on when i was pregnant…. But…September 25, i never endured such a horrible emotional pain that i dont wish on the worst person on this earth.  I will take the contraction pain every day for the rest of my life, just to have my baby with me today.

How was i supposed to know what i was feeling were the begining contractions? i was told it was the growing baby squirming andgetting comfy in his tiny compartment inside my stomach.  I felt the clear liquid come out…didnt give two thoughts about that being my torn water bag. I had spotted throughout my pregnancy, so that wasnt even a factor in my mind. until i was woken up at three am by horrible pain in my lower abdomen area. i got up to walk around a little, hoping it would ease, but just got worse…then i started timing these jolts of pain…overcome with pain, i woke my husband and off to the emergency room we went.

We had a few prior ER visits and ultrasound was done and assured me everything was fine and sent us on our dandy way. but not this time 🙁 nurse did an exam, and confirmed my worst nightmare. I was four centimeters dialated and this baby was coming out within the next few hours….not comprehending anything this nurse was saying, i interrupted her and asked that she get my husband.

she proceded to explain how this was going to happen and all i could think about was the world i had come to know in the past five months would all end tonight..the crib, the baby clothes, baby powder, baby names all the fun stuff being pregnant entailed…im losing today. Tears streamed down my face the entire time.  the Doctor came in and told me id be moved to ‘labor and delivery’ to have my son.  They explained the baby would be alive for a short time after birth and suggested i hold him to help him while he passed away.  my heart was now in my throat.

My OB then came in, grief stricken, she explained the process to me again and doused me with pain medication. The contractions were no comparison to the emotional pain. i cant stress that enough. i delivered my boy at 11:25 on September 25th…i felt his tiny arms and legs moving and as he was passing away, i died a little that day too.

He passed away in my moms hands as my husband was holding my hair back while i was puking pain medication. Then i just cried myself to sleep.

I was sent to the maternity ward for recovery…the sight of the baby warmers triggered tears, stocked diapers and formula ripped my heart to shreds and as i was finally released the next day i got stuck on an elevator with a couple and their newborn baby.  the walk from the hospital to my car was horrible. it wasnt supposed to happen this way.  am i being punished? i came home empty handed, just with a little ornate box which held the blaket and beanie that clothed my baby boy.  my mom had geniously gone into my house and put all the baby stuff i already had away in boxes.  i cried myself to sleep every day for about a month, quietly.

i had a follow up appointment the following week on October 5th, which actually would have been the day i found out the sex.  Of course, there are never enough answers. nothing satisfied my craving of a decent explanation.

Time truely heals.

There is not a day that goes by that i dont think about him. or look up at the stars knowing hes the brightest one up there.  call me crazy, i even catch his scent from time to time…tiny little things that happen in my day to day life, i credit him for.  Ive never wanted anything SO BAD in my entire life.

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