Five months & One Day

my heart grew wings September 25, 2011…

Ive never known a love greater than the love I had for the five short months i held him inside me. Ive never cared for anyone like i did my little ‘nudger’…life was blissful, my husband and i could not have been happier, i swear there was nothing on this earth that could have killed my cloud i was floating on when i was pregnant…. But…September 25, i never endured such a horrible emotional pain that i dont wish on the worst person on this earth.  I will take the contraction pain every day for the rest of my life, just to have my baby with me today.

How was i supposed to know what i was feeling were the begining contractions? i was told it was the growing baby squirming andgetting comfy in his tiny compartment inside my stomach.  I felt the clear liquid come out…didnt give two thoughts about that being my torn water bag. I had spotted throughout my pregnancy, so that wasnt even a factor in my mind. until i was woken up at three am by horrible pain in my lower abdomen area. i got up to walk around a little, hoping it would ease, but just got worse…then i started timing these jolts of pain…overcome with pain, i woke my husband and off to the emergency room we went.

We had a few prior ER visits and ultrasound was done and assured me everything was fine and sent us on our dandy way. but not this time 🙁 nurse did an exam, and confirmed my worst nightmare. I was four centimeters dialated and this baby was coming out within the next few hours….not comprehending anything this nurse was saying, i interrupted her and asked that she get my husband.

she proceded to explain how this was going to happen and all i could think about was the world i had come to know in the past five months would all end tonight..the crib, the baby clothes, baby powder, baby names all the fun stuff being pregnant entailed…im losing today. Tears streamed down my face the entire time.  the Doctor came in and told me id be moved to ‘labor and delivery’ to have my son.  They explained the baby would be alive for a short time after birth and suggested i hold him to help him while he passed away.  my heart was now in my throat.

My OB then came in, grief stricken, she explained the process to me again and doused me with pain medication. The contractions were no comparison to the emotional pain. i cant stress that enough. i delivered my boy at 11:25 on September 25th…i felt his tiny arms and legs moving and as he was passing away, i died a little that day too.

He passed away in my moms hands as my husband was holding my hair back while i was puking pain medication. Then i just cried myself to sleep.

I was sent to the maternity ward for recovery…the sight of the baby warmers triggered tears, stocked diapers and formula ripped my heart to shreds and as i was finally released the next day i got stuck on an elevator with a couple and their newborn baby.  the walk from the hospital to my car was horrible. it wasnt supposed to happen this way.  am i being punished? i came home empty handed, just with a little ornate box which held the blaket and beanie that clothed my baby boy.  my mom had geniously gone into my house and put all the baby stuff i already had away in boxes.  i cried myself to sleep every day for about a month, quietly.

i had a follow up appointment the following week on October 5th, which actually would have been the day i found out the sex.  Of course, there are never enough answers. nothing satisfied my craving of a decent explanation.

Time truely heals.

There is not a day that goes by that i dont think about him. or look up at the stars knowing hes the brightest one up there.  call me crazy, i even catch his scent from time to time…tiny little things that happen in my day to day life, i credit him for.  Ive never wanted anything SO BAD in my entire life.

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4 Comments
  1. Oh dear, I am so very, very sorry. To lose a child is the greatest pain and it will never go away; it gets a little easier as time goes on, but will never go away. I lost my son this May to heart defects. To walk away from that hospital with no baby, but with a trunk full of baby things is a feeling I will never forget.
    Love and hugs to you. I hope you find some peace.

  2. Much love to you, mama. I am so sorry. I too lost my son in September, on the 12th, to a congenital heart defect. My husband and I held him in our arms as he passed. The pain of losing a child is… just awful.

    Those little things that happen- I believe that you can certainly credit those to him being near! There have been moments that I can sense that my son is near and that gives me some comfort. It is still very difficult though.

    Love & comfort to you.

  3. I know much time has passed since this happened to you, and I hope you have healed well. SOmething about your story spoke to me. I just lost my little one less than a aweek ago, and I feel empty. I feel lost, I feel broken. I was 17 weeks. Nearly 5 months, and I was told my baby died at 11 weeks, but my Doc wasn’t concerened enough with no heartbeat on the doppler at my previous appt to book an ultrasound. When I think about how I should be 18 weeks now, I cry often and wonder if my baby had been older, if I could have held her, touched her before she was gone, could I heal faster?
    I don’t think I’ll have an answer, and it wouldn’t help anyway. She was only 11 weeks, but I held her inside me for 17, not knowing she had already lefvt. I miss her SO much. My heart is broken over and over when I feel the empty space where she belongs. I don’t know how to heal……I hope in time I can feel better too.
    I am so so very sorry for your loss.

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