Feeling Alone

I found out I was pregnant in January 2012 after taking a home pregnancy test because my period was late.  I was on the pill.  I also was on antibiotics.  I was scared and very excited.  I have 2 healthy boys and this would be baby number 3. I was scared to tell my husband.  He reacted like I thought he would, shocked and upset.  After all, this is not in “his plan”.  To me I think everything boils down to money with him.

We had plans to go to Dominacn Republic.  We went and had a great time.  I never did anything that would make me think I cause my miscarriage.

I have 2 boys of my own, but I also had just given birth to 2 beautiful girls via surrogacy (gestational, not traditional) the summer prior (2011).  After having the girls, I knew I wanted another baby, but my husband was pretty set against not.  Once I got pregnant with baby #3, I realized just how much I really wanted it, and now there was nothing we could do. It was a happy accident and after a few days (yes days) my husband was actually coming to terms with it.

6 weeks in the pregnancy, we started talking names.  We didn’t even do that with my boys!  I was overjoyed and elated with how he had come to terms.  He said he had no choice and why dwell on it?!   I believe I was about 8 weeks into the pregnany when I went to my first ultrasound.  Since I was on the pill, I was not sure when I has conceived or my last period was.  Both my husband and I went.  The technician would not let him in, at least not until it was almost over.  After just having the girls, I knew the routine of ultrasounds and how to read them.  The technician kept going over and over my belly.  She said maybe I was a bit earlier so the fetus would be higher or more difficult to see.  We went on to doing an internal. Again, she looked and did not see anything.  My lining was thick and there was all the starts of a pregnancy, but no baby (does that still technically mean I was pregnant?).  All the blood tests say so?

The past few months have been hard.  Every month that goes by I think, “Today I would have been 5 months along, today marks what would have been my 8 month”.  I tell my husband, but I dont get any real support.  I don’t think he knows what to say.  I know he is relieved that I am not pregnant, he hinted as much when I asked him, I knew full well what the answer would be, so I’m not overly surprised.  I feel like I have given up a lot to get my husband where he is today, career, location, the life he has is the one he wants.  I never wanted him to look back in our marriage and feel resentful that I held him back.

A few months ago he finally admitted to me that it was not fair to me that he dismissed my feeling if this was something I really wanted.  He said to me, get a job that might give you mat leave and let’s get our house settled.  I’m a supply teacher, but it is not regular days, so the hours are never enough to make a maternity year and we are in the process of building a house.  Well, things sort of fell into place, a job (not teaching) fell into my lap and we are waiting to hear about the start of our house being built.  I started to mention about a baby and how I have done what he suggested and now he says that just because I got a job and the house is coming along,  he starts in with, “just because you have a job, doesn’t mean you should get pregnant”.  There is always something. Now he says I’m getting older, I’m 37 and it might be high risk, he won’t get to retire when he wants because then he will have 3 kids in universaity or college, he is enjoying the alone time we finally have together.  I do too, but I feel like I’m missing something else.

It was never a secret that I wanted kids.  We never settled on a number, I guess he always just assumed 2 would be a good number.  I got my period this week and then found out my babysitter is pregnant, with baby number 3 and it was a surprise.  Her husband is overjoyed!  I don’t understand it! I also have 2 other friends that got pregnant around the same time I did, and I have to see them in full pregnancy.  It’s just a reminder.  I am still feeling the loss of my pregnancy, I have no close support and I’m afraid this may damage my marriage. Am I being selfish?

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