Falling Apart…Inside and Out.

Rewind to January 2011.

I am 17, happily in the throes of young love, and ready to take it to the next level. In an attempt to be responsible, I go on Depo Provera well before having any sex. Things are marvellous and happy and I am about to graduate high school and I have a fun job and I’m going to college.

Several months pass.

Then comes the cramping and the blood that couldn’t compare to anything. I thought it was a result of my latest Depo shot, and then I found out that not only was I pregnant, I was 4 months pregnant, and miscarrying. I was terrified and confused and ashamed and SO GUILTY.

About 2 weeks later, my happy lovely marvellous boyfriend, her father, broke it off because I was going out of state for college.

Now, here I am, older,  still in college–living the dream, right? The depression has been terrible, the therapy isn’t doing much. I blame myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here getting an education while I could, by now, be at home, taking care of my beautiful baby, Jennifer. There is absolutely no communication between myself and her father, I suppose the ordeal scared him off. I have spoken with few people about the miscarriage, but everyone seems to respond the same: “You were too young anyway, you should be HAPPY that you get to go to college uninterrupted.”

Uninterrupted? Really? Because I would do anything to have saved that ‘interruption‘ had I even known what was happening.

I was recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the unknown pregnancy and miscarriage. I continue to feel alone. I can never stop asking myself questions upon questions upon questions.

The guilt is never ending. I don’t think I deserve to graduate. I shouldn’t be here.

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6 Comments
  1. Dear Falling Apart,
    You are definitely not alone. And although it feels like you don’t deserve to be here, you truly do, simply because you are here. And you deserve to do well in college, because you are afforded the opportunity to be there. Going through the motions of life, even if you don’t want to, is something you have to do, simply because you are still here. What you have experienced…what you have gone through… will never go away, will never be something you have to ‘get over’ or ‘move beyond’. It’s something that eventually is somehow assimilated into how you continue on with your life. Do you continue on with being beaten down by rude people and their lack of consideration? Or do you search for a greater meaning in your life & your experiences regardless of the guilt & sadness. Amazingly, life moves on. Shockingly so. What matters now is how you process this fact.
    With loving kindness & an understanding heart,
    Michelle

  2. Please don’t listen to stupid people you will not get over your ordeal but it will get better eventually.
    You can now do nothing for beautiful Jennifer but you can look after yourself you are important. Don’t feel guilty you did nothing wrong and you were trying to be responsible with birth control. Life if horrible sometimes but one day you will get out of bed feeling just a little bit better. You now owe it to yourself and the future Jennifers to do well and become a beautiful and successful women. As for the boyfriend well he showed his true colours and you are well rid of him. Have a wonderful life and I hope you can try to enjoy Christmas a little bit.

  3. I am so sorry for has happened to you. I lost my baby in June 2010. I was over 4 months pregnant, just like you. Although it was my 3rd pregnancy from my husband, it was highly unexpected and it caused a lot of issues. When I lost the baby I was so lost… I still am. I had dropped out of school when I got married, and after my miscarriage I went back to school. I needed something to throw myself into that was out of the house, because everything reminded me of my baby. Like you, I still think every day that I shouldn’t be doing the things I am doing, and I imagine what life would be like with my baby here with us. My biggest issue regarding the pregnancy is GUILT. I. have a dozen reasons why I feel like this is my fault. Is that how you feel? It is so hard to deal with. I am in therapy too, and she thinks I have post partum depression. After reading your story, I want tell you that it is obviously not your fault what happened to you! But I know its harder to believe it for yourself. No matter what you love your baby and you know it, just keep reminding yourself that. Try not to listen to peoples misguided comments… I get them too so I know it’s had to ignore. But if it would make you feel better, devise a calm and well worded retort that explains that you love your baby and never felt she was an interruption to your life, and if said commenter feels that way to please keep the comments to his or her self.

  4. Dear LovelyJennifer,

    I understand your feelings of guilt. My daughter lived only three days, and though each day is a struggle to live on without her here with me, BUT it is a struggle I am willing to endure. I know it is what she would want me to do. If the therapy isn’t working, then find another counselor, and keep searching until you find one that does help you! There is no shame in asking for help. I don’t know if you’re on medication or not, but it has helped me a great deal. It took a little while, and trying different meds, but finally I am on something and am feeling better. You can survive this, even though some days you may not want to. Be kind to yourself, take time for yourself, do things that you find comfort in. I have found a wonderful group of babyloss mamas on twitter who I find to be a great source of grounding when I feel like my world is spinning out of control once again. They give me hope, every day. I promise, the hurt and pain WILL ease, you can do this. Just keep reaching out!

  5. You deserve every good thing this life brings you! That’s what mom’s do- they love their babies and blame themselves if something bad happens to them. I know. I lost my twin boys a little over a year ago and the pain still tears at my heart. I had the guilt and the questions upon questions. Don’t blame yourself and please please don’t listen to hurtful comments some may give you. I can feel the love you had for little Jennifer as I read your post. You are stronger than you think and you can make it. Please know you are not alone! Like Myshell said, keep reaching out.

  6. Please, please know that you very much belong. What others can’t understand they should never, ever judge. When I experienced my loss — though totally different circumstances, I stepped on the other side of “politics”. I had found that my baby had Potter’s Syndrome (at the 20 week ultrasound). Not knowing so much (of course no counseling was provided) I had a week to decide to “keep” the baby. Pregnancy termination ensued thinking it would be easier on the baby. After that I felt like I really didn’t belong in some loss groups. Loss is a loss is a loss. No matter how we got here.

    Do know that people try to find something comforting to say…like “you can have another”…they do mean well…they just don’t know the right thing to say, or can’t just sometimes listen.

    I cling to a hope that the loss and the grief all means something. It makes me more empathetic. I hope that I can help others just be giving a little support here and there…I don’t have to make it my life work, but I can offer a hug. Please be good to yourself.

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