I am feeling very conflicted; very confused.
Extreme numbness; mixed with a huge dose of guilt.
Barely 5 weeks in; I knew this would happen.
We were not ‘trying’; I was not ‘prepared’.
I’ve been here before; but not at the same time.
The guilt.
The anger.
The physical pain.
I am sitting in a fog of PTSD; Yet very stoic.
I am tired; I am triggered.
I am embarrassed; I want to keep these feelings in.
I am terrified of ever trying again; Scared of this again.
This sucks; Nothing much more to say then that.
Devan McGuinness
is a mother to three living children and 10 medically categorized miscarriages & 1 personally categorized stillbirth. Devan is the founder of the online support site Unspoken Grief which is dedicated to breaking the silence of perinatal grief for those both directly and indirectly affected by perinatal loss.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: MommyMoments
November 29, 2011
My heart is aching for you. I don’t have words for how sorry I am. No one should go through this for the first time let alone the eleventh.
Thinking of you…
Maija @ Maija’s Mommy Moments recently posted..Adult Essentials Review and Giveaway
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you Maija – i appreciate you so much. xxo
NO!!!!!! Oh Devan, nononononononono……….
I’m so damn sorry….
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you Kelli xxo
Twitter: corbinsheart
November 29, 2011
Oh no!! Devan, I’m so very sorry. Oh dear God…
Ruth recently posted..Six months
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thanks Ruth for your support.
Twitter: Nuts_in_May
November 29, 2011
I am so sorry. So very, very sorry. Thinking of you.
May recently posted..Circles the post at the end of her tether
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you May I appreciate it.
Twitter: redhedidgrl
November 29, 2011
Devan,
My heart aches for you, please be kind to yourself, this isn’t your fault love.
Myshell recently posted..In Which My Rage Has Logic and Requires Protective Eyewear
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thanks Myshell – I do need to remind myself to be kind to me. thank you.
I have no words for you to help ease your pain. If I were near, I’d give you a hug.
Take care of yourself.
M
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thanks Michelle – your support helps. xxo
I am so very sorry. There truly are no words.
Joy recently posted..How did this happen????
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you Joy. I appreciate it.
Twitter: handshomeblog
November 29, 2011
Devan, I am SO sorry. As soon as I saw the title eleven my heart broke for you…
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you Bonnie. my heart is broken as well.
Twitter: PrenatalCoach
November 29, 2011
Oh my heart is breaking for you Devan. Sending you lots of love.
Crystal – Prenatal Coach recently posted..We’re PREGNANT! Expecting Baby #1 June 2012
Twitter: PrenatalCoach
November 29, 2011
Oh dear… my most recent blog post is so inappropriate and I didn’t double check before clicking ‘submit’ sorry
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you Crystal – I appreciate it!
Twitter: Amber_MtMC
November 29, 2011
I just popped over from Twitter and want to express my sincere condolences to you. I just had my fourth (last week?) and feel everything you are feeling right now–except you are feeling them HARDER because it is your 11th, I believe and know that to be true because my pain has increased with each added miscarriage. It’s awful and I just want to hug you to pieces.
Amber recently posted..The Closer I Get to You
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you Amber – I am so sorry for all your losses. I do want to say I don’t think I am feeling it any “harder” then anyone else only because I dont like to compare. Once for someone can be just as painful as my 11. Thank you so much for your sweet and caring words and your hugs. means a lot to me.
Twitter: Amber_MtMC
November 29, 2011
Hey Devan, let me explain what I meant. I have two babies. I don’t think I love my two any more than a woman loves her one; however, my love has grown so I can love both equally. I think the same applies to loss–when you have one you feel it, when you continually lose, you feel it more because it expands. I guess the picture I am painting here is that of an expanding balloon–one that is already at capacity but keeps growing as losses are added.
I agree that you shouldn’t compare losses but I do think it is okay to say another person is feeling something “harder” because they have gone through this multiple times; not because they have more grief but because their grief is added on each time.
I do hope that makes sense. As you well know, a symptom of miscarriage is mental confusion and I am feeling that more than ever.
amber_mtmc recently posted..The Closer I Get to You
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
of course you make sense Amber & no need to explain yourself – we’re all here in this together. I appreciate all your amazingly kind support. xxo
Twitter: kristinebrite
November 29, 2011
Oh mama, sending you so much love. xoxo
Kristine recently posted..Heavy
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thanks so much friend.
Devan McGuinness recently posted..Eleven.
Twitter: muminsearch
November 29, 2011
I’m so sorry Devan, don’t even know what to say! Sending you lots of love xx
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you Tat – i appreciate the love.
Twitter: sarahbeec
November 29, 2011
I’m thinking of you, your husband, and your sweet ones who couldn’t share life earthside with us. Saying “I’m sorry” seems empty but sometimes there’s nothing more to say. My heart aches for you.
SarahBee recently posted..Sarah Bee Creations
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 29, 2011
Thank you so much SarahBee.
My heart is breaking for you as I read this. I am just so, so sorry. I don’t have the right words and I can’t say I understand, and for that my heart hurts too.
But I am here, I am thinking of you, I am praying for you. <3
Diana @Hormonal Imbalances recently posted..AAAAHHHHANXIETYAAAAAHHHHHH
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
November 30, 2011
Thank you Diana xxo
Devan, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Just can’t imagine the pain of losing one, eleven is mind numbing. Hugs and hopeful thoughts for you.
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
December 3, 2011
Thank you Jean xxo
Oh Devan…I am SO sorry. No words…just…sorrow. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family.
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
December 3, 2011
Thank you Lisa – i appreciate it
Twitter: mungees_ma
December 1, 2011
I’m so sorry. I saw you wrote about 11 on another site and I was taken aback. It’s not fair
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
December 3, 2011
Thank you Mungee’s Ma <3
Oh Devan I am so so sorry. No one should experience this much heartache. No one.
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
December 3, 2011
Thank you Jessica – Im numb and dealing with lots of guilt – your support helps – thank you
Oh Devan I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Big hugs!
Twitter: UnspokenGrief
December 3, 2011
Thank you Tina <3
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