Eleven.

I am feeling very conflicted; very confused.

Extreme numbness; mixed with a huge dose of guilt.

Barely 5 weeks in; I knew this would happen.

We were not ‘trying’; I was not ‘prepared’.

I’ve been here before; but not at the same time.

The guilt.

The anger.

The physical pain.

I am sitting in a fog of PTSD; Yet very stoic.

I am tired; I am triggered.

I am embarrassed; I want to keep these feelings in.

I am terrified of ever trying again; Scared of this again.

This sucks; Nothing much more to say then that.

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Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

44 Comments
  1. I just popped over from Twitter and want to express my sincere condolences to you. I just had my fourth (last week?) and feel everything you are feeling right now–except you are feeling them HARDER because it is your 11th, I believe and know that to be true because my pain has increased with each added miscarriage. It’s awful and I just want to hug you to pieces.

    1. Thank you Amber – I am so sorry for all your losses. I do want to say I don’t think I am feeling it any “harder” then anyone else only because I dont like to compare. Once for someone can be just as painful as my 11. Thank you so much for your sweet and caring words and your hugs. means a lot to me.

      1. Hey Devan, let me explain what I meant. I have two babies. I don’t think I love my two any more than a woman loves her one; however, my love has grown so I can love both equally. I think the same applies to loss–when you have one you feel it, when you continually lose, you feel it more because it expands. I guess the picture I am painting here is that of an expanding balloon–one that is already at capacity but keeps growing as losses are added.

        I agree that you shouldn’t compare losses but I do think it is okay to say another person is feeling something “harder” because they have gone through this multiple times; not because they have more grief but because their grief is added on each time.

        I do hope that makes sense. As you well know, a symptom of miscarriage is mental confusion and I am feeling that more than ever.

  2. I’m thinking of you, your husband, and your sweet ones who couldn’t share life earthside with us. Saying “I’m sorry” seems empty but sometimes there’s nothing more to say. My heart aches for you.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

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