Eleven.

I am feeling very conflicted; very confused.

Extreme numbness; mixed with a huge dose of guilt.

Barely 5 weeks in; I knew this would happen.

We were not ‘trying’; I was not ‘prepared’.

I’ve been here before; but not at the same time.

The guilt.

The anger.

The physical pain.

I am sitting in a fog of PTSD; Yet very stoic.

I am tired; I am triggered.

I am embarrassed; I want to keep these feelings in.

I am terrified of ever trying again; Scared of this again.

This sucks; Nothing much more to say then that.

About the author: Devan McGuinness

is the founder of the online resource Unspoken Grief , which is dedicated to breaking the silence of perinatal grief for those directly and indirectly affected by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Using her own experience of surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan has been actively supporting and encouraging others who are wading through the challenges associated with perinatal and neonatal loss.

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41 comments… add one

  • My heart is aching for you. I don’t have words for how sorry I am. No one should go through this for the first time let alone the eleventh.

    Thinking of you…

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  • NO!!!!!! Oh Devan, nononononononono……….

    I’m so damn sorry….

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  • Oh no!! Devan, I’m so very sorry. Oh dear God…

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  • I am so sorry. So very, very sorry. Thinking of you.

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  • Devan,

    My heart aches for you, please be kind to yourself, this isn’t your fault love.

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    • Thanks Myshell – I do need to remind myself to be kind to me. thank you.

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  • I have no words for you to help ease your pain. If I were near, I’d give you a hug.

    Take care of yourself.
    M

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  • I am so very sorry. There truly are no words.

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  • Devan, I am SO sorry. As soon as I saw the title eleven my heart broke for you…

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  • Oh my heart is breaking for you Devan. Sending you lots of love.

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  • I just popped over from Twitter and want to express my sincere condolences to you. I just had my fourth (last week?) and feel everything you are feeling right now–except you are feeling them HARDER because it is your 11th, I believe and know that to be true because my pain has increased with each added miscarriage. It’s awful and I just want to hug you to pieces.

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    • Thank you Amber – I am so sorry for all your losses. I do want to say I don’t think I am feeling it any “harder” then anyone else only because I dont like to compare. Once for someone can be just as painful as my 11. Thank you so much for your sweet and caring words and your hugs. means a lot to me.

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      • Hey Devan, let me explain what I meant. I have two babies. I don’t think I love my two any more than a woman loves her one; however, my love has grown so I can love both equally. I think the same applies to loss–when you have one you feel it, when you continually lose, you feel it more because it expands. I guess the picture I am painting here is that of an expanding balloon–one that is already at capacity but keeps growing as losses are added.

        I agree that you shouldn’t compare losses but I do think it is okay to say another person is feeling something “harder” because they have gone through this multiple times; not because they have more grief but because their grief is added on each time.

        I do hope that makes sense. As you well know, a symptom of miscarriage is mental confusion and I am feeling that more than ever.

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        • of course you make sense Amber & no need to explain yourself – we’re all here in this together. I appreciate all your amazingly kind support. xxo

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  • Oh mama, sending you so much love. xoxo

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  • I’m so sorry Devan, don’t even know what to say! Sending you lots of love xx

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  • I’m thinking of you, your husband, and your sweet ones who couldn’t share life earthside with us. Saying “I’m sorry” seems empty but sometimes there’s nothing more to say. My heart aches for you.

    Reply
  • My heart is breaking for you as I read this. I am just so, so sorry. I don’t have the right words and I can’t say I understand, and for that my heart hurts too.

    But I am here, I am thinking of you, I am praying for you. <3

    Reply
  • Devan, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Just can’t imagine the pain of losing one, eleven is mind numbing. Hugs and hopeful thoughts for you.

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  • Oh Devan…I am SO sorry. No words…just…sorrow. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family.

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  • I’m so sorry. I saw you wrote about 11 on another site and I was taken aback. It’s not fair :(

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  • Oh Devan I am so so sorry. No one should experience this much heartache. No one.

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    • Thank you Jessica – Im numb and dealing with lots of guilt – your support helps – thank you

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  • Oh Devan I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Big hugs!

    Reply

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