Eleven months since you were born silently into this world. At times I can’t believe it’s been that long already. At other times it feels like it’s been eleven years.

I am filled with mixed emotions today. I am sitting in a lovely hotel in Spain. We have spent the week sleeping late, laying by the pool, getting tan, drinking wine, and taking naps. Oh, and I’ve also been injecting myself with IVF drugs in preparation for our upcoming transfer.

It feels odd sometimes, planning and trying for a new baby while still missing you so much. I know that no baby will ever replace you,,,, my firstborn son. Yet the desire for a living baby makes my arms ache with longing. My heart is breaking for you and at the same time it is filling up with hope that perhaps we can create a baby brother or sister that we can take home and that you can watch over from above.

Your Daddy misses you too. He even posted about you today on his facebook page. It’s funny how in sync we are. I was just thinking last night about how much I was missing you and I woke up this morning to find he had already posted the same thing. I am lucky to have him you know. If you had to leave me, at least I still have him.

Eleven months without you. In a month it will have been one whole year.

I often wonder how I’ve made it this far.
Made it this far without collapsing and refusing to go on.
Made it this far without shutting the door to the world and refusing to open it.
Made it this far.

I don’t know,,, but somehow I’ve done it.

Even when I didn’t think I could.
Even when I didn’t want to.

I’ve made it this far.

And I can go on.
I can open the door to the world each day.

Because I guess I’m stronger than I thought.

But I still miss you.

*Originally posted in July on my blog*

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Finding My New Normal

Originally from California, I now live in London with my husband. We have had a great life with lots of adventures, love & fun. On August 13, 2010 our lives were shattered when we lost our son at 36 weeks pregnant. After struggling with infertility for many years, we thought we were finally going to have our miracle baby. Sadly, this is not what happened & I struggle every day to make sense of it all. But I am determined to get my life back. Not my old life of course, but a new life -a new normal. I have no idea how I am going to find it yet but I just know I will.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


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