Don’t Know Where to Go From Here

The winter of 2009, my husband and I had been married for a little over 2 years. We had decided we didn’t want children for a few years, so when I found out I was pregnant it was a bit of a surprise, but a happy one. My parents were visiting at the time so that made the news a little more sweet.

A few weeks later, I was at work when I noticed I was spotting. I was filled with immediate panic. I went to a nearby hospital right away where I was looked over by a Dr. and assured that everything was OK. My cervix was closed and there was no more bleeding. I felt so relieved and went home expecting no more problems, but I woke up in the night and knew that everything was not OK. The bleeding had returned accompanied by severe pain and I spent the rest of the night alone in the bathroom because my husband was working.

I got a couple of family members to take me to the hospital in the morning where an ultrasound confirmed what I already knew; my baby was gone. I was in a state of complete shock and sadness. I didn’t know how to think or feel, and to make matters worse, the family members who had brought me to the hospital actually said that I must have never been pregnant in the first place because no one else in our family had ever miscarried before. My parents and my husband were so great during that time. I only wish that my Mom had been closer, but we talked a lot on Skype and she cried with me when I needed it.

Fast forward 2 years, and I am once again surprised by a pregnancy. I went to my Dr. right away and I got him to schedule an ultrasound to give me peace of mind. My husband came with me to my appointment and we were so happy to see everything was just as it should be. Despite the reassurances, I was constantly going to the bathroom to check for spotting, because I was so terrified of miscarrying again.

Then one morning there was spotting. I felt immediately helpless and sad. I went to my Dr. and he said there was nothing more that could be done. I chose to go home and miscarry naturally, and my Dr. scheduled an ultrasound for me at a later date to confirm everything passed. This time the grief hit me like a weight. I felt like I was in a fog. The first time was hard enough, but 2 in a row was something that I had never heard of before. Once again, I had to phone my family and tell them the news. Once again, I had brought my Mom to tears. I felt like such a failure, not to mention the abundance of people, both family and friends, who were having babies left and right. I was so angry that I would never get to have such a care free pregnancy. That I would never be able to look at a positive pregnancy test and feel nothing but happiness and joy.

A few weeks ago, I suspected I was pregnant. I took a test and it was positive, but I felt nothing. I sat there looking at the test, willing myself to feel happy or even sad but I couldn’t do it. I was completely emotionally numb. That numbness came in handy a few days later when I miscarried.

Third pregnancy gone, no living children and no one around me to relate to. This time I didn’t tell anyone but my husband so at least I didn’t have to do the round of phone calls again. My Dr. can find no reason why I should be miscarrying and I am only 24. Now, I find myself wondering what the years ahead of me will be like. I am still so young, but I have yet to have a successful pregnancy.

So, do I have years of heartache and disappointment ahead of me, or will I go on to have a healthy baby? I wish this could be easier. I wish I didn’t have to second guess and question and associate something so wonderful with so much hurt and pain.

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