Does it ever get better?

So it’s been awhile since I last wrote anything on this site. Basically it took what felt like forever to even get pregnant and neither of us had any medical reason for the difficulty (the stars hadn’t aligned yet for us) and after we finally did get pregnant (Jan 2011) everything was going along smoothly. Then without notice, we went to our 18 week check up and found that our baby no longer had  a heartbeat. OB said that it was not because of anything I’d done or not done. It was just natures way of taking the decision making away from us (baby most likely had problems).  This was in May 2011.

Now, months later, I feel like every time I’m doing “well” and feeling positive and able to think about the future and be hopeful (I mean truly hopeful) for the future, that’s when something happens. It’s like the universe realizes “oh shit, she’s feeling good we need to shut that down right away” and instantly I’m feeling worse than I have ever before. I am constantly being reminded and re-reminded about what has happened and what has been taken away from me.

I am trying to move forward. I am not trying to forget. I know I never will and I don’t even mind that. However I do not want to be constantly haunted and reminded of what I’ve lost all the time.  I don’t want to be stuck.

For example, not only is EVERYONE at work pregnant and I am not even though I should be, but people make these ridiculous comments like “wow there must be something in the water everyone is getting pregnant so easily, how come you aren’t drinking the water” and they all know what I’ve been through. They just don’t care. Or even just the fact that others who were pregnant when I was and due around the same time are starting to go off on maternity leave and it’s a constant kick in the stomach to be reminded again and again that I should be doing that too, but instead I am stuck in my crap job covering for others who are off because the universe decided to take my baby away from me.

It’s not fair! It hurts more and more each time as if someone is purposefully trying to hurt me to see how far I can go before I fall apart (officially).

I do not know what to do. I don’t know how better I can ease my own pain. I know how to deal with stupid people making stupid comments. I have been telling them that “while they may not realize it, their words are very hurtful after everything I’ve been through in the past months”. Often they feel stupid and I feel terrible. No one wins in this instance. However I do not know how to ease the hurt that creeps up and kicks me, knocking the wind right out of me and almost blindsiding me entirely.

While I realize no one can take away my pain and I wouldn’t wish any of this on my worst enemy I need help and I hope maybe someone on her has some suggestions.

Amanda

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