Deserved It.

I expect a great deal from the person whose baby I lost. Aside from the absurdity of saying I lost a baby (as though I just misplaced it like a pair of sunglasses or a hairbrush or the remote) that’s a true thing to say. He got to be the first person to hear both that whilst I’d had the little thing just a moment ago really, I couldn’t for the life of me remember where I put it. Well, second actually. As soon as I realized I was feeling outright awful, terrible, snapped right down the middle, I sensibly looked into some brief, off the record type counseling.

I’ve never much cared for counseling, preferring to go to a friend and soothe my emotions over myself. It actually makes me feel worse most of the time.

But I didn’t want to go to my friends about this. I didn’t feel all that trusting of anybody. My body had messed up, rather clumsily and messily. I barely wanted to talk to the father (well not father anymore). I didn’t want to expect too much of him, or rely on him nigh completely. So I called up a help number.

And the lady on the phone told me I deserved it.

You see, I wasn’t going to keep the little one. I still don’t think I would. If I became pregnant again right now, I don’t think I could abort the second one. Not so soon. But eventually. Eventually I’d fall back into being able to do that. Eventually. And if I hadn’t lost the baby, I would have had an abortion by now and feeling funny about that instead of a miscarriage.

I’m very for the availability of abortions, and whilst I recognize it’s best if birth control is easy to get, and alternatives are provided, sometimes things happen. They happened to me. I’ve never felt more sure of how I’ve felt about abortion and choice and such, until I needed it. Until I was that unfortunate person whose birth control fails and she’s not emotionally up for a) carrying a baby to term, b) keeping it or c) giving it up because there’s a baby and I can’t keep it but I wouldn’t let go. I needed the choice, and I support it more than ever.

But then, a messy bathroom debacle later and a misplaced little one, I didn’t need it all of a sudden.

But I needed someone to start leading me through this, and I knew I was going to turn to him for that, and I have and he’s been there – he’s held me and rubbed my back and touched me and not touched me and played video games and watched movies and bought dinner and texted and called and told me how he feels and asked how I feel. Everything I ask of him, he offers, and even the things I can’t ask, he notices and gives.

But I didn’t want him to carry me completely. I can’t bear the thought of him being alone with me clinging to him, even though I need him. I want to be strong again – because I am very strong – but I’m not there just yet.

And the first help service I called, specifically to ease the weight on him, told me I deserved it because I was going to kill the little one. That “God” took my baby because I was a horrible, murderous mother.

I’m not religious.

I’m not a mother. I guess I’m sad I’m not. But I’m also relieved.

And I’m scared somebody else will tell me I deserved it. But I’m so scared of burdening him alone. And I know he’d be there and he’d do anything I needed him to do, and say whatever he has that’s best to say, including nothing at all. I know that, and I trust him for that.

But please don’t say I deserved it. I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t. Nobody does. Please let me know it’s safe to talk.

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6 Comments
  1. That woman deserves to lose her job. She’s supposed to help you deal with your feelings, NOT make it worse. I’m sorry that was the response that you got when you called for assistance. Nobody deserves it, no matter what. I’m sorry.

  2. Appalling. Someone who is supposedly providing a counselling service should leave their personal feelings at the door. What she said to you was NOT ok. It doesn’t matter whether you were planning to keep it or not, a miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through. Obviously you can try to console yourself with the fact that you didn’t have to put yourself through a procedure to achieve the same result, but the fact of the matter is, it’s a horrible, traumatic, awful thing to go through that leaves you with feelings of guilt, failure, confusion and another great big dollop of guilt.

    If you ever feel up to it I would SERIOUSLY consider putting in a complaint about that woman. That’s like calling the Samaritans for help when you’re feeling suicidal and being told your life’s not worth living anyway so just go ahead and jump.

    Reprehensible in the extreme.

    You did not deserve it, it is safe to talk. Please talk. xxx

  3. You didn’t deserve it. No one deserves to go through something like that. What that woman said to you was insensitive, inhumane, and utterly reprehensible. You seriously need to consider placing a complaint about her. You called them for help and received the very opposite. People like her should not be working for a support network. I say again, whether you were planning to keep your baby or not, you didn’t deserve what happened to you, and it is safe to talk. We are here for you. Don’t let your voice be silenced because of her.

  4. RE: Deserverd it… didn’t deserve it.
    There are individuals who do not not think beyond their own belief systems and I suppose they have that right but they do not have the right to impose their opinions on others. There is medical research that identifies chemical changes in the body that can cause a woman to go into fight or flight mode or species preservation mode and depending on what chemical change occurs, making the decision to keep a pregnancy or not may be determined by the bodies chemical changes and the situational circumstances. The decison to not keep a pregnancy is in many cases made under duress with no one to talk to, unless there is a medical reason.

    This website is a blessing and I will be certain to share it with others…

  5. I’m so sorry you weren’t able to make this very personal decision in your own time and on your own terms, and I’m even more sorry that someone tried to shame you over it. And I’m also sorry for your loss, even if things were ultimately going to end one way or another.

    I can understand how you would feel both a sense of loss and relief at the same time. No matter what some heartless woman told you over the phone, you are entitled to grieve just as much as anyone else here, and complex feelings are normal. You are also not a bad person; lots of women face these difficult choices in life, and sometimes fate decides for us.

    I hope you’re feeling better both physically and emotionally and that your boyfriend continues to take good care of you, but if you need to talk more, we’re here. Sending out warm wishes of comfort and peace your way.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

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