BFN…again!

December was the first month that I felt “ready” to move on with having a family once again, since losing our angel in August 2010. Our sweet angel is just that, an angel in heaven at the feet of God, perpetually in God’s warmth and light. I know I don’t have to worry about our angel as our sweet baby is in the care of God and His angels… but I still can’t help but wish that I could hold our baby and have him/her here with us. I’ve been praying for our angel’s happiness, for good health for our family [as I desperately need it] and for another baby. I’m starting to feel like its turning into a little bit of an obsession – all I can think about is having a baby, but it was such a long journey the first time, I’m worried that this is some unattainable dream…

We are trying again, and I’m kind of sad and upset because I’m expecting my fifth period since our loss any day now…and I don’t think we conceived this time again. It took us so long last time that I’m scared it won’t happen for us. My husband is trying to stay positive, but I’m having a tougher time. I finally feel like I’m finally emotionally “ready” (or as ready as I could be) to move forward, and my body is failing me again. I’m charting my BBT and observing all the signs, we even purchased PreSeed on the advice of a friend, using cough syrup to thin out the mucus and even using the SoftCup – and I don’t think any of it helped. My cycle had always been a bit irregular and since the miscarriage, I can only go on what happened last month. So based on that, AF should have arrived anytime between this past sunday and tuesday… and so far still no sign of AF. I’ve taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all come back NEGATIVE, including this morning. I’m using the internet tests, and I don’t even see the faintest of lines, nothing, zip, zilch, zero!!! I keep hoping and praying, but I just feel so defeated!!

I can’t really talk to anyone about this, as my friends just don’t understand. In the past, they’ve questioned if we should even have kids, in light of my back problems and requirement to take meds. I’ve been questioned on the following:

  • will you be able to take care of a baby?
  • will you be able to carry a baby to term?
  • will your meds affect your baby’s development?
  • why don’t you just adopt?

I do appreciate their concerns, but sometimes I feel like people don’t think we’re capable of making this decision. For the record, my husband and I had a lot of frank discussions before we got married. But I guess the bottom line is that we can’t plan life on “what if’s”. There will always be “what if’s” that are unavoidable. So here are my answers to the questions above:

Of course I’ll be able to take care of a baby with my chronic illness! As long as I’m careful in how I do things, pace myself and take my time, I should be fine. We’ve also considered certain aids that would make my life easier, like a drop down crib. Now before I get lambasted for this dangerous type of crib, in my case, it would be very difficult to lean over a crib to pick up a baby. So as long as its assembled appropriately, I think that this would be of great help to us. I’m fully aware that once we have a toddler on our hands, odds are that my husband would be the only one lifting our child, but I’m certain that I can show love and cuddles in other ways. Its not all about carrying your child around.

I know I can carry a baby to term – I’ve asked!! As soon as I found out I had this illness, that was one of my concerns, and I’ve been assured by multiple physicians, therapists and psychiatrists that yes, I can make it through a pregnancy. Apparently, there might be some bed rest involved at the end, but my mom tells me that she was told she’d be on bed rest while pregnant with me (due to her back problems), and that wasn’t the case… and that was over 30 years ago!!!

When we were merely thinking about a baby, we visited an endocrinologist who reviewed all my medications and gave us indications of what was safe or not. The only concern that exists is the pain medication that I take, as it may cause a mild withdrawal symptom at birth and a possibly lower birth weight. Several physicians have assured me that these are not major issues. I’ve read all the available studies out there and the above occurred in dosages that were 2-3 times mine – my current dosage is unlikely to increase that much anytime soon. I’ve also read studies where women on a slightly higher dosage than mine had a completely uneventful and normal delivery, with a healthy baby or normal weight, with no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. I’ve also visited a forum for chronic pain where several ladies have stories of healthy babies growing into healthy toddlers and beyond. I’ve also been assured that there is no evidence of my meds contributing to any physical, developmental or behavioral issues later on. I really feel like we’ve done our homework here.

Adoption – yes, why don’t we? Well, although I’m very open to adoption, I also want to experience being pregnant and delivering our child. I want to see bits and pieces of my husband and I in our child. I want to know what that connection with our child is like and I want to know what it’s like to have a baby. We are open to adopting other children, but the reality is that we would probably adopt an older child, as there are very few babies available through the Children’s Aid Society. In order to adopt a baby, we would need to go through a private agency or possibly look internationally – I’ve looked into it and simply filing the paperwork requires a starting retainer of $10-15,000. By the time the adoption is complete, we could be looking at $40,000 or more…and we sadly can’t afford that.

It just seems that there is a challenge at every step of this journey!! It just seems that everyone is able to achieve the simple task of getting pregnant, except me. I know there is still a slight chance this month as AF isn’t here yet, but its just not looking likely, and I just feel so sad again. I was hoping that there might be a glimmer of hope and happiness…

Joanna

A mid-30's Catholic female, lucky enough to be married to her best friend, Freddie, since 2007, mom to an angel baby and chronic back pain sufferer of almost a decade.

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