Baby K

We tried to get pregnant for a little over a year. This would have been our first baby. My husband and I are both in our mid-thirties, and I in particular feel the clock ticking away. Needless to say we were ecstatic when we found out I was pregnant.

We made it to our 8 week u/s and got to see the heartbeat.

We also found out I had been pregnant with twins, but one did not survive. This is called Vanishing twin syndrome.

The nurse told us to just focus on what was healthy and strong, and to try and move on with the pregnancy. She said there was a slight increase of concern for a miscarriage of the other baby, but not to try to worry. Yeah right.

We were anxiously moving toward our 12 week u/s. I couldn’t wait to hear that heartbeat again. The night before the 12 week mark, I was devastated when I saw a bit of spotting. The spotting increased to the point that my husband thought we should go to the ER, just to be sure everything was ok. Once we got there they did an u/s.

I could tell on the techs face that something was wrong. I asked if there was a heartbeat…..she said are you sure you want me to tell you? Which was an answer in itself.

My world began to spin out of control and I started moving from one horrific thing to the next, just trying to get through this. I was sitting on the hospital bed after finding all this out and felt a sudden gush of water….amniotic fluid. This led me to pass out. The bleeding began and still has not stopped completely. It’s been about a week since it all began. I ended up staying overnight and going through the entire miscarriage in a hospital room intended for childbirth. Not death.

I passed out again in the hospital room after losing so much blood. (My blood pressure runs very low). My husband was by my side through it all. I worry about his emotional state, as well as my own. He tries to be the rock, which I appreciate, but I know he needs to fall apart sometimes too. We are just trying to time our meltdowns so one of us can be the comforting one, while the other is falling apart.

This has been so devastating. I am not sure what stage of grief I am currently experiencing, but whatever it is, it hurts. I feel sadness like I have never experienced before in my life. I haven’t had the smoothest life, but nothing before has caused such emptiness and deep sadness. I find myself combing through the past 4 months trying to think about what I might have done to contribute to this miscarriage.

Did I stand in front of the microwave too many times?

Did I pick up something too heavy?

Did I eat lunch meat/soft cheese/shrimp that I shouldn’t have and get listeria?

Is my body defective? Maybe my body is incapable of supporting a baby?

I think these things, then wander back to thinking there really is nothing I did or could have done. It just happened. And it sucks. And there is nothing I, nor any doctor, could do to change what happened. Then I feel overwhelmingly sad and empty all over again.

This is the cycle I am in…..it’s only been 6 days ago. I am wondering if anger is going to be the next feeling…..it seems to be brewing underneath all this sadness.

hmk2012

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