Baby K

We tried to get pregnant for a little over a year. This would have been our first baby. My husband and I are both in our mid-thirties, and I in particular feel the clock ticking away. Needless to say we were ecstatic when we found out I was pregnant.

We made it to our 8 week u/s and got to see the heartbeat.

We also found out I had been pregnant with twins, but one did not survive. This is called Vanishing twin syndrome.

The nurse told us to just focus on what was healthy and strong, and to try and move on with the pregnancy. She said there was a slight increase of concern for a miscarriage of the other baby, but not to try to worry. Yeah right.

We were anxiously moving toward our 12 week u/s. I couldn’t wait to hear that heartbeat again. The night before the 12 week mark, I was devastated when I saw a bit of spotting. The spotting increased to the point that my husband thought we should go to the ER, just to be sure everything was ok. Once we got there they did an u/s.

I could tell on the techs face that something was wrong. I asked if there was a heartbeat…..she said are you sure you want me to tell you? Which was an answer in itself.

My world began to spin out of control and I started moving from one horrific thing to the next, just trying to get through this. I was sitting on the hospital bed after finding all this out and felt a sudden gush of water….amniotic fluid. This led me to pass out. The bleeding began and still has not stopped completely. It’s been about a week since it all began. I ended up staying overnight and going through the entire miscarriage in a hospital room intended for childbirth. Not death.

I passed out again in the hospital room after losing so much blood. (My blood pressure runs very low). My husband was by my side through it all. I worry about his emotional state, as well as my own. He tries to be the rock, which I appreciate, but I know he needs to fall apart sometimes too. We are just trying to time our meltdowns so one of us can be the comforting one, while the other is falling apart.

This has been so devastating. I am not sure what stage of grief I am currently experiencing, but whatever it is, it hurts. I feel sadness like I have never experienced before in my life. I haven’t had the smoothest life, but nothing before has caused such emptiness and deep sadness. I find myself combing through the past 4 months trying to think about what I might have done to contribute to this miscarriage.

Did I stand in front of the microwave too many times?

Did I pick up something too heavy?

Did I eat lunch meat/soft cheese/shrimp that I shouldn’t have and get listeria?

Is my body defective? Maybe my body is incapable of supporting a baby?

I think these things, then wander back to thinking there really is nothing I did or could have done. It just happened. And it sucks. And there is nothing I, nor any doctor, could do to change what happened. Then I feel overwhelmingly sad and empty all over again.

This is the cycle I am in…’s only been 6 days ago. I am wondering if anger is going to be the next feeling… seems to be brewing underneath all this sadness.

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  1. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your babies.when you experience a miscarriage your hopes and dreams for your baby die with them .you are not alone .you are in the thoughts and prayers of myself and of so many others who have experienced the loss of their babies .xxx

  2. Don’t rush out of that cycle… it may take a while. I lost my son almost 3 months ago at 20 weeks gestation and now there are good days and bad days or good days and horrible lonely nights. But it does get easier… just slowly.

  3. I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. Stay strong and stick together. It will always be so very sad but it will also get easier with time. You’re not alone x

  4. I am sorry you have had to experience this. I have gone through something very similar, except mine little peanut only made it 7 weeks. The devastation that I felt at knowing I had been caring and loving something that had died (and had been dead for almost 2weeks) inside of me was total. I had my D&C on Feb 1st and it has been tough, I have cried and cried until I was tired of crying. I have found strength and love from those around me who care and talking with others who have had to go through this experience as well. You are loved.

  5. I am crying as I type this because I know that horrible pain. I lost my twin boys at 18 weeks a little over a year ago and I still think of them every single day. I know that feeling of being in the delivery room meant for the happiness of birth and walking out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty heart! I am so sorry this has happened to your babies. It was very hard on my marriage, but thankfully we made it through and are doing well. Hang in there. The days will get easier but you will never forget them or the pain. You will feel so many emotions but there is no time frame that you have to feel better by no matter what others may think. You take as long as you need! I still have “bad” days on occasion. Please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS))).

  6. Nine years ago I lost my first boy at 20 weeks gestation, 5 days after having an amniocentesis. It still hurts terribly, even though I now have a wonderful 7 year-old boy that is my life. He knows about his older brother and misses him even though he never knew him. Life goes on, but you never, ever forget the babies you have in heaven. I pray you find peace and that God blesses you with another baby. You are not alone, and you are loved.

  7. My experience is very similar. My husband and I were trying for our first for 9 months. We went in for our 8 week ultrasound. One strong healthy heart beat and our disappearing twin. Our doctor told told us not to worry we have one really strong healthy baby and she would see us at 13 weeks for another u/s. I began spotting. I called the doctor and she said this happens and it is normal, if it’s not heavy bleading not to worry. I spotted for 3 weeks. I insisted with my doctor I wanted a ultrasound to make sure everything was healthy. The techs face told me right away, our baby stopped growing at 9 weeks 2 days. The next week I had my d & c. I blamed myself and I blamed the doctor. Why is my body not healthy enough, I shouldn’t have slipped and had a cup of coffee, the doctor never warned me, ect. I was angry at everyone, including myself. I instantly wanted to start trying for #2. My husband wants to wait a few months. I now realize he is right to wait. I was just trying to replace the baby we lost. I am not sure at what point it happened, but I began to accept it and move forward. It’s been two months, I want to wait until the end of the summer before trying again. Right now I am using the time to get my body in better shape to have a healthier place for baby #2.

  8. Thanks for the comments….we have come a long way. I just found out I am once again pregnant with twins. At our 6 week ultrasound both babies looked healthy. We heard their heartbeats and each measured the same. We are cautiously excited after our last experience. Today I am officially 7 weeks. I feel so nauseous all the time, which is a good and bad thing. We are praying for more good news at our 8 week u/s.

  9. I too have experienced the vanishing twin syndrome followed by a miscarriage… It was devastating… I found out a week after my missed made it 6 weeks then bled a bit then went on without a period and then bam tragedy struck with a handful of spite… I now have a healthy baby boy so please don’t be discouraged…

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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