An Unexplained Panic

I can not shake it.  It creeps up out of no where.  No explanation and no escape. No rhyme or reason.

This feeling.

This panic.

Everything is calm one moment. I am sitting with my three children playing around me – happy and healthy. Perfect.

I feel my heart racing.

My breathing gets quicker.

Someone is missing.

That moment – while passing in under a minute – feels like a life time.  That panic that is like no other I have had. A panic that I can not logically explain hits me.  hard.

I have tried to figure out what this panic is.  How to make it go away. How to at least brace myself for it.

I can’t.

I wonder if I am missing my angels.  If in that moment they are thinking of me or around me.  I am not religious so I really don’t know if i can believe that is what is going on. Perhaps in that moment I am wondering what could have been?

That brief moment of panic is painful.

Unsettling.

Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

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