Alone and Depressed

I moved to Houston, Texas in January 2012 with my fiancee who moved down here in June of 2011. I wanted nothing more than to start a family with him, but after years of trying we always came up disappointed. We returned to New Jersey to visit family and friends on August 23rd and began our vacation. I have been extremely moody and emotional all week and my fiancee could no longer take it. On August 30th he drove me to the nearest pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test after realizing that I was ten days late with my period. After taking the test and finding out that I was indeed pregnant we were both ecstatic. We joked about baby names and planned to schedule our first visit doctors visit. We flew home September 2nd with high spirits and settled in for a nice relaxing labor day.

Monday night around 11:45pm while my fiancee was at work (he works the night shift) I began to feel some cramping in my abdomen. Thinking I just needed to go to the bathroom I got up and entered the bathroom. My heart sank when I noticed the all the blood and I began to panic. I immediately ran into the bedroom to call my fiancee to meet me at the hospital. Thankfully, we are living with his Aunt and she heard me in my panic. I called my Mother on the way to the hospital crying and completely scared out of my mind. I was immediately taken back to a bed where they started an IV line and blood test. My fiancee kept making comments that he couldn’t leave work and I was becoming more scared by the minute. They did a pelvic exam and told me that my cervix was closed and everything looked good. They were just waiting for my hCG level. It took two hours to get the results and by then his Aunt had to leave and return home to check on her son. I had to stay and get an internal and regular ultra sound. My hCG level was 1634 and I was only approximately six weeks. Being my first pregnancy I have no clue what that means to me.

Being scared I call my fiancee and ask him again where he is at. He informs me that he can’t afford to leave work and I just simply freak out. I begin yelling that I am losing the baby and he could give two shits. I hang up the phone and just cry my eyes out.

After doing the internal and regular ultrasound I was returned to my ER room and was left to get some rest. I slept for about an hour when the ER doctor came in and said everything looked good they saw the sac and I was being discharged. I entered the bathroom to go to the bathroom. That’s when I see it, a tiny sac and start hysterically crying. I carry the toilet tissue holding the sac up to the nurses station where her face seems to drop and she leads me back to my ER room. She examines the sac as I cry on the bed. She explains to me that she doesn’t see anything in the sac and I would have to see the doctor in a few days to confirm miscarriage.  I was alone and had no idea who to turn to with my family being over 1800 miles away. The doctor quietly exits and in walks in my fiancee asking how things were going? I no longer had control and broke down right there in the hospital.

The entire way home I was silent and began pushing my fiancee away. Once my fiancee called his family and I called mine phone calls began and no mater how hard they tried I still felt alone. Even with people around me I still felt alone. My emotions are out of control and I am feeling some sort of guilt that this was all my fault. When people ask me why I feel it’s my fault, I have no answers.

The past few days have been hard. I want to return to New Jersey so badly to be closer to my family. My anger towards my fiancee rises everyday because it just seems like he is emotionless towards this experience. When I told him I wanted to return to NJ he asked me why. So I told him that he didn’t seemed bothered that I just went through a miscarriage and he could care less as long as he was able to make money. I told him how I felt to have to go through it alone and he just sat there in silence. I felt like that was the straw the broke the camels back and now I am stuck between going home to my family or staying here to work things out so we can start on our own family. Trying not to make any rash decisions but it just seems like I am seriously going through this all alone.

ashleyr

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