A question …

We are just a few days out from our 4th miscarriage.  And I’m finding it terribly hard to even get out of bed.  My living children need a mom, they need to grieve too, they need someone to keep their lives on track … But I can’t figure out how to do it.

What helped you put one foot in front of the other when all you wanted to do was curl up in a ball in the dark?   Like I said, this is our 4th loss (in 5 years) … a part of my brain is screaming “you should be able to focus … you should be able to deal!  You should remember how to do this!!!”   I know that I have been in this deep dark place before, but I can’t for the life of me remember how I climbed out … do I sound crazy, or what?  I know each mom, each family grieves and recovers differently, so I’m not looking for a magic, cure all answer … just looking for suggestions from moms who have been where I am today.  It hurts so much and I hate how this affects my mothering of the kids who are watching me.

Any suggestions welcome …

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I'm a busy mom who loves the Lord and my family. I keep busy homeschooling our oldest and volunteering at our small private school where our middle two attend. I've also fallen in love with natural and attachment parenting over the years We have 5 living children: K(15), G(12), O(9), Z(5), & M(2). We also have 4 angel babies lost in pregnancies: Liberty John(2004), Elijah Lee(2007), Eden Sky(2010) & Journey Peace (2011). This life is a journey, complete with highs and lows, calm and chaos ...

  1. Take it one minute at a time. Set small tasks, like have a shower and think that that is the only thing that you have to do that day.

    After my son Jacob was stillborn on June 1, 2010, I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks on August 2o, 2010 and a blighted ovum that I miscarried at 10 weeks on November 27, 2010. Mostly I tried not to expect anything from myself and then whatever I did accomplish that day was a bonus.

    The thing that helped me most was finding other baby loss Mom’s to talk to.

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost our first child almost five months ago. He was born prematurely at just 17 weeks. He lived for just a few hours. Like you, there was part of me that just wanted to just stop. Hide for awhile. Curl up and cry. Shut out the world. What made me keep going was the feeling that if I gave in, I’d never get moving again. I had this fear that I would get stuck forever if I didn’t force myself to keep moving. So from the very first day we got home from the hospital, every day we made ourselves do something. The first few days it wasn’t anything big – a walk around the block, dropping off recycling, going to the store for more tissues. Facing the world for a little while every day made me feel like I was making progress. It made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I could do this. I could keep living.

  3. Dear Blessed,
    I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I have had one miscarriage and we have no living children, so I guess I could ‘indulge’ my grief – but you have children who need you, that must be very difficult. I guess as an outsider looking in, if your children are aware of the miscarriage, then maybe talk to them about it to see how they are doing and to let them know that it is OK to talk about your angel [assuming that it is] – this might help you grieve openly with your kids.

    The other thing that helped me a little bit, was to have chunks of time when I was alone and could just let my emotions go. When someone dropped by, I’d pull it together as much as I could, knowing that it was an hour or two at most.

    Keeping you in my prayers – sending you big hugs!!!

  4. Think of it this way, you were give some here on Earth to take care of & have been given the wonderful gift of being a mom to Angels that you will someday see. You’ve created souls, you just do not get to spend time with them yet, not until you’ve finished your moma duty here on Earth. 🙂

    Hang in there, I have lost two children in a year! My son at 29.5 weeks (Stillbirth on June 3,2009) & a miscarriage at 6 weeks (April 7, 2010), both within the year & the 6 weeks being right before my son, Quanah’s anniversary of his birth & death.

    I find myself thinking about him greatly right now, its not that long until June 3rd comes around & it will be his second. Worst part is I have no money to put a gravestone on his grave & this makes me feel like a failure to my son! You can only imagine the thoughts that go through my head at times, because of this!

    Contact me if you ever need someone to talk to! **hugs**

  5. I had my young son to care for during my losses and I remember asking the same question of a woman who had a long history of losses as well. She seems to sail through life despite her losses and I had to know how she did it. I had to know her “trick”. She told me that she listened to what God wanted her to do each day. Sometimes it was doing a sink full of dishes and sometimes it was cuddle with her children. She made it sound so simple and then I realized that it was that simple. When I would find myself feeling like I was about to crumble, I asked God what he He wanted me to do. He guided me through the darkest of days and I know I couldn’t have done it without Him.

    I am so sorry for your losses.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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