A Letter To Triton: Forever Grateful

Oh, I can not believe it has been two years since I was in that hospital about to experience the most painful surgery I have ever gone through. I was left with no visible scars but leaving that hospital with an empty womb – without you — was devastating.

I have been wanting to write this letter to you for so long, but I have not been able to bring myself to do it. Please don’t think it’s because I don’t think of you – I think of you every day. I have been trying to find the right words to say to you but they just wont come to me – so you are left with this.

I honestly do not know how to thank you. I have been through this before – 9 times before you, but you were able to teach me so much. I am amazed at your strength – that you were able to hold on as long as you did and made it to 13 weeks gestation.

I remember that phone call from the doctors office that brought me to my knees. Luckily Daddy was there to catch me as I was told you were no longer alive – my levels were dropping and the ultrasound confirmed. I remember thoughts pulsating through my head – anger, fear, unfounded sadness. I was confused.

You were my miracle. You had made it past our dreaded 8 week mark which is where we lost our other 9 pregnancies. I could not understand why you made it further then the other’s we had lost – to be taken from me when we had started to believe THIS was really going to happen, we were going to have our 3rd healthy full, term baby.

I understand now baby boy and I am so grateful for your lesson. If it wasn’t for you I would not have the answer – I was not incapable of carrying a healthy child, it was not only a low-progesterone problem, it was not all a ‘fluke’. It is because of you the doctors were able to see that tiny blood clot in your life line (umbilical cord). It is because of you we had a solid plan for when we were ready to make another pregnancy and another baby. It is because of you we have this perfect, beautiful 1 year old girl and your brother and sister have another person to love.

You ARE my miracle. Not only did you show us the answer I had been desperately trying to seek, you have healed me from a hate of my own body. Cleared me of any ‘wrong doings’ or ‘bad deeds’ that may have caused so much heartache for me. I thank you so much for that. You are forever a part of this family dear Triton and you will always be missed but never forgotten.

I. Am. Forever. Grateful ♥

originally written April 24, 2010

Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

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