A Letter to Myself (the me 14 months ago)

Dear Me,

It’s me.  I know you have already had a feeling about this.  Call it mother’s intuition.  Very soon you will be going through something physically, mentally, emotionally that you never fathomed could happen to you.  I am here to tell you that you will be okay.  You will survive this, and things will get better.  But there are some things that you need to know.  Have a seat.

First of all, please don’t take those pills.  Ugh. You are just dragging it out and you will torture yourself for over a week.  Take the option the doctor gives you for a D&C.  It is NOT the same thing as getting an abortion.  That baby knows that you wanted it.  Have them send the tissue off to be tested.  Try to find out why.  Now, in case you don’t listen to me about the D&C (which you might not because I know how strongly you are going to be opposed to it), I want you to know that you will lose the major tissue (yes, the baby may be in there) at your boyfriend’s grandmother’s 80th birthday party.  Now this will be hard to get a handle on, but try to get a Ziploc bag & try to save it.  It may not be easy to do since you will be at a community rec center for the party.  Thus, PLEASE take my first suggestion.

Second, you did not make this happen.  You didn’t do anything wrong and you did not fail your baby.  I know you are still going to feel some guilt and responsibility, but you will realize one day very soon that it was completely out of your hands.  It had NOTHING to do with the few drinks you had here and there.  It had nothing to do with the meds you were taking for your anxiety.  The pregnancy was a surprise.  You didn’t know you were pregnant.  You did all that you could, and you were a good mother to your baby while he was still inside of you.  DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.  Do not obsess about every little thing you did or put in your mouth while you were pregnant.  It will not change the outcome.

I know things are going to seem very bleak after you have lost the baby.  But I want you to know that your life be AMAZING in less than a year.  You will be happier, stronger than you have been in years.

Love Always,

Me

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2 Comments
  1. This is so true. Thanks for sharing. It’s so hard to think about all that happened and not try and take the blame. Love and prayers to you!

  2. I too wonder if my loss had to do with my anxiety meds, even though the midwife said nothing I did caused my missed miscarriage.

    So glad to see that you feel stronger now than you ever have before!

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