A Dream, If Only For A Fleeting Moment

It’s been over 9 months since my son died and not once have I ever dreamed about him. Last night all that changed, I finally had a dream about my baby boy.

In the dream I was home with my Mother. We were talking about something and then suddenly I noticed something behind her. It was my beautiful perfect son,,,, alive. He was sleeping and had these amazing long eyelashes (like I have).

I couldn’t believe it.

“He’s alive Mom, he’s not dead,” I said to her. I couldn’t stop gazing at him, looking all healthy and alive. He had a pinky glow to him. The kind of coloring that living babies have (which is much different than the coloring that dead babies have). I was joyful and this huge wave of relief spread over me. He wasn’t dead after all. He was alive. And this whole terrible tragedy had just been a terrible dream. He was alive.

I wanted to reach out and touch him. But then I shifted from one dream to another. In this one I remembered that he was really dead.

I had seen his lifeless body.
I had picked up his ashes from the crematorium.
I had read his post mortem report.

Surely all these things wouldn’t have been possible if he was alive.

So I crashed back to reality, while I was still dreaming.

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. Happy for a glimpse of him I suppose, but sad that the only time I will ever see my son alive is in my dreams.

He’s dead, and I don’t want him to be dead. I want him to be here with me. I miss him so much.

*Originally posted in June at my blog Finding My New Normal.

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Finding My New Normal

Originally from California, I now live in London with my husband. We have had a great life with lots of adventures, love & fun. On August 13, 2010 our lives were shattered when we lost our son at 36 weeks pregnant. After struggling with infertility for many years, we thought we were finally going to have our miracle baby. Sadly, this is not what happened & I struggle every day to make sense of it all. But I am determined to get my life back. Not my old life of course, but a new life -a new normal. I have no idea how I am going to find it yet but I just know I will.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


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